Ups And Downs

There are days that it’s okay. Days that I’m okay, that I can concentrate, that I feel alive and present in both mind and body. Days that I don’t curse the universe for letting me open my eyes. It’s those days that I feel positive and hopeful and full of maybe. Full of maybe now it will start to get better, and maybe I won’t get sick again and maybe this is the first day of a new life.

And then there are other days. Days that I have to drag myself through, feeling only half there, seeing the world through a mist of whispering voices and mind-numbing exhaustion. Days that I’m crushed by self-hatred and hopeless loneliness. Days that I look in the mirror and just want to stick a knife in what I see. Days that I bitch at and argue with everyone who means something to me, for no good reason.

Now, every good day has a bitter edge. Every “first good day in a long time” has less maybe and more we’ll see how long it lasts this time. Every time I have a good day, I tell myself that I won’t give into it again, that I won’t lose again, that I will make it all better from now on… And every time I fail it sounds more and more like a lie.

I want to believe I can beat this, that I can beat my own diseased and faulty nature and grow into something better, something cured and whole and worthwhile… But I have less faith every time a good day is once again “the first in a long time”.

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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2 Responses to Ups And Downs

  1. tteclod says:

    “Nobody gets out alive!” might be extrapolated to “Nobody gets out sane!”

    I wouldn’t worry overmuch about your sanity. In her last years, my grandmother, an otherwise bright and competent woman, wasn’t particularly self-regulating. Obsessions, compulsions, and poor habits eventually got the better of her.

    So, you have before you an advantage: you know, now, while young, that all your mental faculties are just as frail and unreliable as your physical faculties. So, LIVE! The “good years” won’t last forever, so do your best with them, and the good days, so when the bad days come, you’ve already banked some good against the damage of the bad.

    And – goodness! – cheer up! You’ve still got your health, right? Given the modern culture of Europe, sanity is relative.

  2. Can you enjoy the good days? The bad days may be brought about by a self fulfilling prophesy kind of thing.

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