So, if you follow this blog, you know I have schizophrenia. Which is, in the end, a disease that kills people. I am very aware of that. But I am also a young woman, attempting to get a diploma, trying to gain independence from her parental home, struggling to define myself in the world just as much as any person my age.
I have dreams, and they aren’t that ridiculous in my opinion. I want to have a place of my own one day. I want to finish university, get a diploma, and find a job that I like and that I can support myself with. I want to be independent. I want to travel, even though it’s an incredible strain on my health. I’d like to get married one day, even though I don’t want children. Are these things such impossibilities?
My current partner, Experiment No.7… He doesn’t like to think on the future. He explained me that when he starts thinking of the future I have, he loses his joy in the present. Which means that we never talk about getting an apartment, we never talk about getting married, not even jokingly, we never talk about what we’ll do after university… It’s “living in the now” in the most jarring sense. Because I love him, and his silence tells me more about his opinion than a thousand words ever could.
It tells me that I have no future.
It tells me that all my dreams are as illusory as my hallucinations, that they are simply things that I hold on to cope with reality, until reality loses meaning for my decaying mind.
Now I am not someone who lets others decide for me, and certainly not Experiment No.7, who is painfully immature at times and suffers from a bad case of “Peter Pan Syndrome”. He seems to postpone “grown-up” decisions and life choices as much as he can, and not only in matters that concern me. I can see how that mentality would influence his opinion on a future with me, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt.
How much future do I really have?