Yes I am back. I know I said I would not return until after the exams, but I’m a hopeless case and I need a bit of support somehow. Pathetic isn’t it?
The exams are prodding at my psychotic nature, I can’t sleep, I tremble and clench my teeth all the time and I just want to curl on a ball and cry and let them please take me back to the madhouse because I can’t take it. I can’t take life. I… I was here before. Last year I was here too, the looming exams being the final drop into madness for me. I tried to kill myself exactly one year and four days ago. I’m not suicidal now, but I’m so tired. I’m procrastinating all the time, I waste the time I should be studying, I’m a pathetic weakling and a universal example of failure.
I desperately try not to lose my dignity, but it’s hard. The Demon is being mad at me for the tiniest things, from me borrowing a blanket (HER BLANKET! WHY MUST I ALWAYS ANNEX HER THINGS?!) to cursing at my sister when the little one couldn’t even hear me (YOU EXPECT EVERYONE TO TREAT YOU NICE BUT YOU’RE A SELFISH BITCH AND WE DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THAT FROM YOU, NOT FROM YOU!) and The Stoic is being his usual passive-agressive self. It’s not them, it’s me. It’s not their fault that I’m characterless and I don’t blame them.
I’m avoiding my psychiatrist, postponing to call her because I know she’ll want to either up my prescriptions (and I’ve been halving them myself lately!) or have me incarcerated, and I hate her, I respect her but I hate her because she makes me fight inside even more…
I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired. Happy New Year everyone.