Back And Crying

Yes I am back. I know I said I would not return until after the exams, but I’m a hopeless case and I need a bit of support somehow. Pathetic isn’t it?

The exams are prodding at my psychotic nature, I can’t sleep, I tremble and clench my teeth all the time and I just want to curl on a ball and cry and let them please take me back to the madhouse because I can’t take it. I can’t take life. I… I was here before. Last year I was here too, the looming exams being the final drop into madness for me. I tried to kill myself exactly one year and four days ago. I’m not suicidal now, but I’m so tired. I’m procrastinating all the time, I waste the time I should be studying, I’m a pathetic weakling and a universal example of failure.

I desperately try not to lose my dignity, but it’s hard. The Demon is being mad at me for the tiniest things, from me borrowing a blanket (HER BLANKET! WHY MUST I ALWAYS ANNEX HER THINGS?!) to cursing at my sister when the little one couldn’t even hear me (YOU EXPECT EVERYONE TO TREAT YOU NICE BUT YOU’RE A SELFISH BITCH AND WE DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THAT FROM YOU, NOT FROM YOU!) and The Stoic is being his usual passive-agressive self. It’s not them, it’s me. It’s not their fault that I’m characterless and I don’t blame them.

I’m avoiding my psychiatrist, postponing to call her because I know she’ll want to either up my prescriptions (and I’ve been halving them myself lately!) or have me incarcerated, and I hate her, I respect her but I hate her because she makes me fight inside even more…

I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired. Happy New Year everyone.

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About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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4 Responses to Back And Crying

  1. Fatal says:

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re suffering so, QP. Stressful activities like exams tend to elevate my insanity also.

    I do think you should call the shrink if it becomes too much to handle, but I don’t think I need to tell you that. Good luck, dear and Happy New Year to you as well.

    Xoxo

  2. You are not a pathetic weakling , you are far from it. We all have problems, some worse than others. It is important to keep your head up high and keep driving on, no matter what jumps in front of us.

  3. ubu507 says:

    Whenever I get into a similar rant I hear the voice of a great friend who always used to say “UBU, you’re arguing with someone who isn’t here…”

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