There is so much I should not.
I can’t help it, I try to concentrate on the mundane, the physical, the down-to-earth and the real, the things everyone tells me are real.
But I want to dance again. I miss the wonderful song of the universe. I miss indulging in the equations and burying myself in the complexity of mathematical statements. I miss it so badly it physically hurts.
They say I am too open, extroverted, exhibitionist, attention whore.
They say I am selfish, that I want all for myself, that I can’t care for others.
They are right.
But how would you be?
I carry a black hole inside me and it sucks up all the attention, all the love, all the care and all the hate. Nothing can satisfy the hunger I feel, the hunger that makes my insides twist and turn.
I have to eat until I’m nauseous, fuck until I’m sore, scream until my throat is hoarse and dance until my feet give up.
They say I am lazy, procrastinating, spineless.
They say I have no character.
They are right.
I can’t say you would be the same, I am only myself, but…
When every day is the same and no amount of stimulation makes you feel whole again, mended, one with the pattern… Why stay awake when you can sleep through it all?
“I spend my time open-handedly, hoping that I’ll soon have no seconds left to pay the rent of this mortal body…”
I miss it. I miss it. I miss it.
I can’t describe how much I miss it other than with a long, painful, crying scream. I would scream it all out of me if I could, sit down and just scream, scream, scream until I have no voice and no air left.
I miss you. I miss you.
I felt so special when you held me. I felt so… right. As if all I was was exactly enough to balance our equation. As if I was sufficient in every possible way.
Now… What do I do now? What am I now? I made my defect my talent and my pain my armor. The shards you collected and carefully glued together have once again been spread, and this time there won’t be a thing like you to put me back together again.
I laugh, because I can’t cry anymore. I bite, I ravish, I hurt, because I can’t be soft anymore. I have no definition. I was but the shadow cast in your light. Now the room is dark.
I miss you.
“I keep my voice in a box and my heart in a pendant, hoping that one day it will be forsaken.”
I would say I hate you but I can’t. I just miss you.