Paranoia, Spiders, And Results On Sunday

Here I am again. I’m not in a good place at the moment, although I’m trying my very best to hide that. My results are coming in this Sunday, and with every passing minute I feel more as if I’m going to explode. Experiment Nr 7 doesn’t really believe in it; I know that because when he asked me to check my results (to see if they had come in already) he kept repeating “don’t freak out, we’ll find something to do about it, just don’t freak out” as if he already knew what a huge failure it would be. They hadn’t come in yet, so it was sort of embarrassing.

I see insult in everything people say and do to me. I feel mocked when my family laughs at the dinner table, I feel as if everything Nr 7 does is patronizing and showing his lack of faith in me, and I. See. Spiders. Can I emphasize that last bit, please? Spiders are a very, very bad sign. I keep seeing them wriggle and move in the corner of my eye, and then I scream and turn my head and they’re gone. And if I say this to my shrink she’ll have me admitted for sure. I barely escaped it during the exam period, when I had a screaming/crying/face-scratching episode in her office. (Yes, you missed out on that. Due to me not telling you about it. Duh.)

So, I’m not in a particularly good place at the moment, and Doom is chuckling in my ear. I have no clue what I will do if the results are bad. I need to pass 60 percent of my courses to be allowed in the next year. And even if I get 60 percent, I’ll have to take those other 40 percent with me to next year. I am frightened and I just want to sleep all the time. I guess I needed to say this. I’m sort of at loss of what to do now, and I wonder how long I’ll be able to hide my condition…