Please Help. Please.

I am very proud of myself for keeping my urge to cut under tight control. I haven’t self-harmed in a long time. However, right now I have the feeling that one of my most-used coping mechanisms is getting out of hand. Severely.

I daydream. A lot. I started doing it as a way to distract myself from the need to self-harm, but then I got into writing fanfic (which was a marvelous outlet, really) and did it more and more to plot my stories… and right now I am capable of daydreaming away hours and hours and hours. I have literally lost entire days like this. I did it for distraction, and then I did it for writing purposes, and now I feel I’m just doing it for its own sake, for no good reason except to escape. I have exams right now, and I have barely studied because of this.

I realize that daydreaming is probably like… the worst coping mechanism for someone as susceptible to psychosis and psychotic symptoms as myself; it’s not as if my imagination needed any more reason to invade my real life. But alas, I was a stupid cunt, I wanted to do anything but cut myself, and now I’m stuck with this. I feel that I am losing control over when, where, and how long I daydream, and that as an addiction, it has replaced my self-harming. It is, in a way, worse than the cutting; at least that as only harming my body. This is literally harming my whole life.

I looked up my “symptoms”, and apparently I suffer from Maladaptive Daydreaming, a condition for which there is NO official treatment. A possible solution they give is to “avoid triggers”, triggers being… well, sort of everything that I like, everything that causes your imagination to play up. No writing, no reading, no cosplay, no internet, no movies, no manga, no drawing, no anything. A complete media fast.

How do I have to do this? I haven’t felt this desperate since I was in the madhouse. I don’t know what to do anymore. Cut everything I like about being alive from my existence, again? Restart cutting to stop daydreaming? My exams are going terrible because I don’t study. I have no focus. I dream away from the moment I’ve read three lines. I can’t keep myself from doing it. I’m so lost. It is better when I have no stress, time to write instead of just fantasize, and people to talk to… but given the exams, I have nothing of that. I’m lost, losing all my time without even opening my course books.

I need advice, more than anything. I don’t know if I can keep this up, but don’t want to get institutionalized again either. It probably wouldn’t even help, for this. I’m terrified of losing my grip on reality completely again. What do I do?

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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7 Responses to Please Help. Please.

  1. tteclod says:

    Are you done with make-up exams yet?

    • No, I have one tomorrow, and one on Sept. 2

      • tteclod says:

        Let family know you’re really stressed, and ask for help with meals. You needn’t elaborate much. Just ask for salad, soup, sandwiches, or whatever food comforts you. Stop and eat, and try to sit with somebody when you do. Stop studying at midnight, then sleep. Ask for somebody to check on you and make sure you’re awake and dressed and off to the exam tomorrow.

        Now, with that done, set aside everything but studying for the next exam for the time being. When the exam’s over, you’ll need a short break. Don’t plan the break, or think past tomorrow, just know you’ll take one when the exam’s through. Picture outdoors, like a park, not indoors. Again, no planning.

        I sent you a mesage at Facebook. Contact me tomorrow after exams.

        It goes without saying: if you’re about to break-down, it’s better to get family, friends, and the professional head-shrinker involved – even if you’re just asking for help to get talked off the ledge – so to speak – than to lose your cool in a really public way. There’s only so much people can do at a distance.

        PS: I know how you’re feeling.

  2. Hey there, this advice above sounds really sound. I know how you feel too, I have been there with psychosis and its beyond shite on a profound level. I did think about this and I know how helpful it is to be unstimulated (no media life as you put it)…but you dont have to give it all up forever…Maybe you could set an alarm when you wake up for an hour later and when it goes off, you decide to study for a short period (maybe 15 minutes) then repeat the alarm process again for the next hour…what else? I personally think that daydreaming (even when it gets out of control) is a million times bettre than cutting, thats just my opinion but I also have fantastic fantasy ideas from my psychosis and I think once this is triggered in someone, the natural leaning towards daydreaming sets in. I’m so sorry and sad that your feeling so out of control. Sorry I couldn’t be of anymore help but I hope the alarm thing helps and also, remember that cramming the day and night before (but not at the expence of sleep) does wonders. It’s all fresh! I did this the last time I had an exam and did well…hope that helps treasure, well done for doing the exams btw, its a brave thing to do when your mentally ill! Maybe write down 5 things that you like about yourself and stick them on a post it on your wall and put at the bottom…I am worthy. I daydream, I do not want to cut myself (or part of me doesn’t want to cut myself)…Good Luck and remember all that you’ve been through. You are strong and you can do this…TAke Care…Luv Dawny 🙂

  3. AstroPilot says:

    Hi QP,
    Sry for making this comment so late, probably too late, i was on vacation, mostly without internet.
    I had that daydreaming problem as a child in school, and it helped a lot, when a person was sitting in the same room reminding me gently that homework had to be done. Usually the presence of someone else without a word was reminder enough.
    Could E7 do that for you?
    How did your reexams go?

  4. Holly says:

    I only just found this, so sorry for the lateness.
    I don’t have psychosis but do have other issues, I wondered if meditation is an option? Not in the “om” sense neccessarily, but just as a way to train your mind to be still at times.
    I used to use a candle to focus and it helped in my teens, now I’m too nervy of the empty head it gives me as its too close to my own brand of crazy.
    Presuming you can see my email feel free to contact me if you need a stranger 🙂

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