I am very proud of myself for keeping my urge to cut under tight control. I haven’t self-harmed in a long time. However, right now I have the feeling that one of my most-used coping mechanisms is getting out of hand. Severely.
I daydream. A lot. I started doing it as a way to distract myself from the need to self-harm, but then I got into writing fanfic (which was a marvelous outlet, really) and did it more and more to plot my stories… and right now I am capable of daydreaming away hours and hours and hours. I have literally lost entire days like this. I did it for distraction, and then I did it for writing purposes, and now I feel I’m just doing it for its own sake, for no good reason except to escape. I have exams right now, and I have barely studied because of this.
I realize that daydreaming is probably like… the worst coping mechanism for someone as susceptible to psychosis and psychotic symptoms as myself; it’s not as if my imagination needed any more reason to invade my real life. But alas, I was a stupid cunt, I wanted to do anything but cut myself, and now I’m stuck with this. I feel that I am losing control over when, where, and how long I daydream, and that as an addiction, it has replaced my self-harming. It is, in a way, worse than the cutting; at least that as only harming my body. This is literally harming my whole life.
I looked up my “symptoms”, and apparently I suffer from Maladaptive Daydreaming, a condition for which there is NO official treatment. A possible solution they give is to “avoid triggers”, triggers being… well, sort of everything that I like, everything that causes your imagination to play up. No writing, no reading, no cosplay, no internet, no movies, no manga, no drawing, no anything. A complete media fast.
How do I have to do this? I haven’t felt this desperate since I was in the madhouse. I don’t know what to do anymore. Cut everything I like about being alive from my existence, again? Restart cutting to stop daydreaming? My exams are going terrible because I don’t study. I have no focus. I dream away from the moment I’ve read three lines. I can’t keep myself from doing it. I’m so lost. It is better when I have no stress, time to write instead of just fantasize, and people to talk to… but given the exams, I have nothing of that. I’m lost, losing all my time without even opening my course books.
I need advice, more than anything. I don’t know if I can keep this up, but don’t want to get institutionalized again either. It probably wouldn’t even help, for this. I’m terrified of losing my grip on reality completely again. What do I do?