I suffer from the Facebook Syndrome. As in, I’ve gotten infected with the “I want to present my life as a glorious, gorgeous and enviable commodity” disease that runs rampant on FB. Given that my life currently isn’t any of the previously mentioned, I find myself reluctant to write about it.
I’d like to write about great sex, cool shopping trips, interesting craft projects, and exhilarating future prospects… but even though there is that too (really, there is!), there is even more of the shitty stuff. The fact that I’ve skipped more classes than I attended this period, by example. Or that I have extreme trouble sleeping more than 4 hours per night. The unpleasant detail of me not having made a single informatics assignment, which means a certain retake exam. And what about me blacking out for hours at the time, or dissociating in the middle of conversations? Happens more and more often.
There is no space in my life for this shit. I want my life to be awesome, if only because writing about all what’s wrong makes it all the more real and panic-attack-inducing. And I keep telling myself that “I’ll write when stuff gets better”, when really everything is just going to hell more every day.
Today I considered whether I personally had something to live for, and the best answer my brain produced was, “You can’t kill yourself, you need to finish your fanfic first.” Well… it’s something, right? -_- What I’m saying is, I’m not thinking good thoughts at the moment. And I still see that now, but what
when if it gets worse?
I’m running from my problems. Again. I am in desperate need of some advice, because the exams are coming and I’m truly terrified that I’m going to lose it and end up admitted again. I have no more room to fuck up, no more grace period. If I give up now, I give up forever. I don’t want that, but I don’t know what to do either…
Also, my apologies for the mini-rant post of a couple days ago. I was not in the best state of mind, as you perhaps could tell. I’m not usually that childish… (I hope.)