“The Gods have no mercy. That’s why they’re Gods.” – Cersei Lannister
Am I a horrible, selfish, thankless person for wishing death upon myself? Probably.
I wish for car accidents, cancer, building site accidents, lightning strikes, accidental asphyxiation on a piece of bread, senseless violence in the train station, a random mugger with a switchblade, and who knows what else. Anything or anyone that might deliver me of this ailment called life would be welcomed. I would prefer to go alone and without much pain, but if it takes the Powers That Be a terrorist attack or a serial killer to end it, so be it. Of course, far be it from the Powers That Be, if there are any, to have mercy on me. To have mercy at all. If you want to have anything done well, you have to do it yourself, no?
Unfortunately I am currently oath-bound not to take an attempt at my own life, hence why I am frantically praying for someone else to finish me of. Useless, but in times of no hope even the heretics turn to prayer.
I can’t face my mother. I can’t. Facing my father was bad enough, and for the most part he doesn’t give a shit about me. My mother cares, and that is the downfall of both of us. Her wrath will be horrifying and her disappointment will be worse. And I will sit there and cry and wish for death like any common coward under torture. I will face her, I know that, and I will probably make it out without physical harm, but I just can’t bear it. It’s going to be horrible.
Why can’t I just be honest? Gah, I hate that I am such a coward that I have to lie about my failures, only to have those lies blow up in my face and increase my punishment exponentially. I hate it. I don’t want to be a coward anymore.
We're All Mad Inhere 
Hang in there Agnes. We all need bad times to remind us of the good times. Best wishes. Mark
I was right to worry about you somehow in the last week or three. I don’t know why you’re being a coward & about what & why your mother would be so upset, but guess that’s all private. I don’t like fishing for personal stuff.
“Am I a horrible, selfish, thankless person for wishing death upon myself? Probably.”
I’m not surprised though – why? In contemporary culture death is revered more than life – plainly. The zombie culture & fascination makes this clear & there is spiritual change in the world – big waves of it. Laugh it off if you want, I see it. Vampires, zombies, Wicca via Harry fascination etc. A joke? No. Culture is changing more rapidly than it did in centuries – it’s leading somewhere … death & dark themes feature as a persistent clue as to the origin / power at play.
Materialism is everything? Spirit is nothing? You still believe that?
I’m concerned about you, if that matters – as far as I know myself (I wonder sometimes if I’m not somehow led by carnal interest also, but not consciously at least). King David put it well – we can hardly trust our own judgement about ourselves:
“Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts, and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
May you find hope, courage to do what is right & fulfillment in doing what is right in the eyes of Him who loves you more than your father does. May He show His love to you & shower you with forgiveness, kindness & love as you have never experienced it before. I can’t wish you anything better or more perfect, however feeble that may sound to your ears.
ps. the “gods” you refer to have no mercy … since they have no love.
You can do it. Don’t give in to those thoughts.
the guy says : game of thrones rocks!!!