Sometimes I wonder about my desires. My “kink” so to say. I used to describe it as “Algolagnia”. Love of pain, both giving and taking it. It’s hard defining myself as a submissive or Dominant, or even as a Switch.
When I submit, I am selfish. I do not serve, bow, grovel. I do not stand humiliation. Perhaps you could say I am not truly submissive, for I have no desire to submit in any other way than with my body. My pain is my pleasure, and I need it more than anything. It is my oblivion. I don’t know how other people with masochistic tendencies perceive this, but to me pain is sweet in its “unpleasantness”; it brings the voices to silence and calms my mind to the point where I’m barely awake anymore, floating in nothingness.
I speak of masochistic tendencies, but I would rather call myself a sadist. I love causing pain. I don’t necessarily like all torture or all painful situations -actually I am quite picky as to what floats my boat- but I like causing distinct pain, pain and fear. It is a form of reluctant respect, fear. To hold the big stick means you’re the one in charge, and I like such power almost as much as I like pain. There is more to it than that, though. There is a moment that fear turns into arousal, pain into pleasure, and that a confused mind surrenders to its tormentor. That is the moment I long to see, the crowning jewel on the pleasure I receive from inflicting torture. It’s a bit like feeling a bone break; bone is strong and it will bend first, but only so far until it breaks with a sickening crack. That is it. The crack.
My bones get cracked every so often, and the time it takes them to heal I spend in delightfully unaware bliss. Sometimes I think, realize, know… that I long for pain as an escape, the same way I long for sleep and death at times. I shouldn’t give into it, but it’s an urge I can’t fight. I have to fight so many of my less acceptable desires already, I can’t bring myself to fight this as well.