The Selfishly Submissive Sadist

Sometimes I wonder about my desires. My “kink” so to say. I used to describe it as “Algolagnia”. Love of pain, both giving and taking it. It’s hard defining myself as a submissive or Dominant, or even as a Switch.

When I submit, I am selfish. I do not serve, bow, grovel. I do not stand humiliation. Perhaps you could say I am not truly submissive, for I have no desire to submit in any other way than with my body. My pain is my pleasure, and I need it more than anything. It is my oblivion. I don’t know how other people with masochistic tendencies perceive this, but to me pain is sweet in its “unpleasantness”; it brings the voices to silence and calms my mind to the point where I’m barely awake anymore, floating in nothingness.

I speak of masochistic tendencies, but I would rather call myself a sadist. I love causing pain. I don’t necessarily like all torture or all painful situations -actually I am quite picky as to what floats my boat- but I like causing distinct pain, pain and fear. It is a form of reluctant respect, fear. To hold the big stick means you’re the one in charge, and I like such power almost as much as I like pain. There is more to it than that, though. There is a moment that fear turns into arousal, pain into pleasure, and that a confused mind surrenders to its tormentor. That is the moment I long to see, the crowning jewel on the pleasure I receive from inflicting torture. It’s a bit like feeling a bone break; bone is strong and it will bend first, but only so far until it breaks with a sickening crack. That is it. The crack.

My bones get cracked every so often, and the time it takes them to heal I spend in delightfully unaware bliss. Sometimes I think, realize, know… that I long for pain as an escape, the same way I long for sleep and death at times. I shouldn’t give into it, but it’s an urge I can’t fight. I have to fight so many of my less acceptable desires already, I can’t bring myself to fight this as well.

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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3 Responses to The Selfishly Submissive Sadist

  1. blacksun321 says:

    We really do seem to have a lot of similar thought processes. I’m a little bit surprised you haven’t commented on my blog yet. I think you might be one of what I’ve been calling the Children of the Shift, a product of the increased cosmic radiation enhancing our evolutionary process (this phenomena has been verified by SETI and NASA). And perhaps your “insanity” is just the result of perceiving and understanding more than the average person. But then, if your goal is getting along in conventional society, then my blog might not be the most helpful source of information for that. I’ve chosen after much of my own time in the mental health industry to embrace my eccentricities in pursuit of a heightened state of awareness, similar to your “floating in nothingness”,. Your choice.

  2. I am not into pain, but the masochist I have met say pain is a release for them.

  3. Sounds like you get to create a whole new subculture for yourself!

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