Low Self Esteem And A Severe Case Of Narcissism… A Call For Advice.

I would do anything to gain power and respect. Anything. It’s a craving, a gnawing hunger almost. A narcissistic need to get praise, respect, admiration and attention. It didn’t use to be like that.

When I look back on my childhood, I suppose I’ve always been ragingly narcissist. I made lists of ways to get famous, to the question of what I wanted to be when I grew up I almost always answered with “Important”, “Famous” or “Powerful” -at the age of 6, mind you- and somewhere deep inside me I harbored a feeling of entitlement, a feeling that one day I would make them all cower and blush in shame at the way they treated me. I know those things and I’m not proud of them. Even though I still answer the question with said answers and the feeling of entitlement is all but gone.

Yet, even though I was narcissistic, it didn’t really inhibit me. I only had to look at other people’s reactions to me, their scowls, or simply my mirror image, to get my feet planted firmly on the ground again when I started dreaming. Nothing like people telling you the truth to your face to make you forget your delusions of grandeur, really.

The worst of it came to me when I discovered my love of mathematics. I was good at it. When you’re good at it, you get respect. It was like the first shot of a powerful drug, something I had never experienced before, not a single time in my entire life up to that point. It was intoxicating and ever since I have the craving for more.

I am very realistic when it comes to myself. I am schizophrenic, not a beauty queen, and my intelligence is slightly below average. At best I’m a mediocre person, at worst I’m rather pathetic. I know this very well, and still the entitlement, the inner rage at disrespect, the craving for approval and admiration, hasn’t subsided. I remind myself of my own mediocrity, constantly, daily, all the time, but it doesn’t help. It only makes me sad and sick and even more delusional than usual.

Bringing myself down is the only way to keep myself from floating up like a balloon ready to be popped. But it hurts, the truth hurts, and it makes me hate myself. It seems as if the more I try to convince my mind of how normal and mediocre I am, the more it hides away in debilitating hallucinations and pathological procrastinating, anything not to face the truth.

I don’t know what to do. I seriously don’t. I’m immobilizing myself, I can’t get anything done, can’t even find the resolve to fight the irrational panic anymore. I ask you for advice, because I’m at a dead end here.

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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9 Responses to Low Self Esteem And A Severe Case Of Narcissism… A Call For Advice.

  1. YAPCaB says:

    Immerse yourself in what you love, mathematics. I recommend matrix algebra with a goal of learning about eigenvalues and eigenvectors.

    • Exactly that, that branch of mathematics, is extremely dangerous to me… I love it, you see. Abstract Algebra is something amazing, and I love it in a very unhealthy, schizophrenic way.
      Ever since I’ve been diagnosed, I’ve refrained from doing any mathematics, to prevent a relapse. I still don’t know if it did me any good…

  2. tteclod says:

    QP: I feel like you’ve been here before.

    Sometimes you’ve just got to force yourself out of the funk – with mind altering drugs, if necessary. Things don’t get better, but you can’t let that become an excuse to lie down and die. Decide what little thing you want to accomplish, some small step toward your goals, and do that one thing.

    One of my first bosses started all his projects with a note pad at the front of the file folder. He would write down several tasks to accomplish – not goals, simple tasks. For example, he’d write “call Bob and request report.” There might be several such tasks generatee withing the first five minutes. Then, as the hours and days passed, he would add and cross-off tasks until he was satisfied that everything that could be done was complete. Only then was the project complete.

    So, if you’re meaning to take charge of your life, perhaps you ought to take out a note pad and write “Rule the World” at the top. Then, write down a few things that you bcan accomplish today that will get you closer to that goal. Don’t get caught making a long list: just the a few things. Let the next few tasks develop naturally as you complete the first few.

  3. I think your very smart, your beauty is incredible. Power comes from within.

  4. I’m wondering, although you say you need to beat yourself down to not be so narcissistic, if the fact that you feel so low about yourself is what makes you crave power, praise etc.?

    There is nothing wrong with being great 🙂

  5. plastronneke says:

    “Hyperventilatie ontmaskerd” by Chris Lenaerts … maybe a good book for you to start with? Something completly different, but why not give it a try? It will not solve all your problems, but maybe it could do something. It ‘ll be difficult though, but working on your inner self is always a good thing to do.

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