(I’m Not Fine.)

tumblr_lqar0hXdTH1qzw0uno1_500I’m not. Really not.

I don’t want to live my life feeling nothing but this. THIS. This empty, useless, non-purposeful type of monotony and apathy. I don’t. But I’m bound, I’m tied, I’m stuck. I hate loving people. My bruises are fading already, and I yearn for pain, I yearn to feel anything. I want to cut the paradise I was forced from out of my skin, force it from me so the memory can’t plague me anymore.

My life is an isolation cell, every input is muffled, dampened, unreal. I feel like I’m sleeping all the time, and yet I’m exhausted, tired, without energy. I can’t find the energy to do anything. Everything is bland, empty, mediocre. I yearn for the heights and lows, I need to feel I live. And yet I want to cry, I just want to cry because it’s so hopeless. I don’t know what to do anymore with myself.

Camus’ Question: Should we, or should we not commit suicide? Is our life worth living?

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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11 Responses to (I’m Not Fine.)

  1. kristiansaintmichel says:

    I recognize so much of what you described. I wish I could explain it so well.

  2. I’m so sorry QP. I’m struggling too, with very similar thoughts. I know that suicide is not the answer though. I want to escape, so badly, but I know that as much as I think people would be better off without me, those people will be screwed up even more by my offing myself. I hope you are getting help and can hang in there until you find a little relief. It will happen. Such is the nature of these mental beasts. You are a very creative, smart, talented individual, and I know you have so much to offer the world. Please don’t extinguish your light. Hugs (or spanks:).

  3. I send a lot of hugs your way! Is there someone you trust to talk this over with? This could be an exciting adventure to create something new for yourself?! xoxo

  4. ubu507 says:

    all I can say is hang in there…you’re in the right place and hopefully they can do some good…

  5. tteclod says:

    Have you read Camus’ “The Myth of Sisyphus” to the end? Why is that not an adequate answer for you? [Full disclosure: my French is not adequate to read the work except in translation, so if there’s a linguistic subtlety I’m missing, well, then I’m missing it.]

  6. mickcgorman says:

    This sounds like a big low after the high of your skiing trip?

  7. Das sigh. I can relate to your every word

  8. Jaen Wirefly says:

    Suicide is a waste of time. One day you’ll be dead. I promise. Life is short and sometimes it feels so ridiculous that you don’t know why you bother. But then you see something that intrigues you, interests you or makes you laugh. For a moment, you feel OK, maybe even a bit happy. For some it’s hard to build a meaningful life because the emotional issues have colored everything drab and sick. This is why it’s important not to spend too much time in the dark corners. Have your rant and then move forward. Life isn’t fair and life isn’t forever. It’s only for now. Look for things that make you a bit calm and try to give of yourself to others, good deeds go a long way.

    The other day you gave me a pat on the back when I needed it most, trust me, I needed it. You may not realize your importance in this world but you are important.

    Hugs

  9. Olivia says:

    *hugs and spanks* I wish I could help….if you need anything, I’m here. I like you, try to like yourself, you deserve it xxx

  10. ideameus says:

    Sometimes it helps to make an appointment you have to keep. This appointment should be to take a walk, or do something that physically gets you going. Don’t depend on whether you feel like it. Just keep the appointment. Make another physical appointment.
    Then make another appointment, to learn something, or help someone in some small way. Just keep the appointment. Make another appointment.
    If you believe there could be a God. Make an appointment to pray. Keep the appointment, make another appointment.

    Sometimes, we need to be in motion to change our emotion.

    Hope this helps.

  11. slamadams says:

    My answer to Camus: Still too early to tell 🙂

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