Maybe I Don’t Want Happiness…

I have wondered about this. In the middle of all my drama, from large opinionated (and written by me) pieces I don’t agree with to living with voices and eternal doubt, it’s a question that sometimes comes to mind. Now as well, as I’ve received the so-manieth self-help book from my mother.

I don’t read them. I don’t read self-help books, I don’t do mindfulness, I don’t go to coping courses, and I avoid my shrink. It’s as if I deliberately avoid anything that might help me. And thus I wondered: Do I even want to be happy?


It’s not that I believe I don’t deserve happiness. It’s that I believe that my illness took away all that was special and interesting about me. My talent for mathematics, my insight, my hope and beliefs… it was a whole life, a way of life, that got closed down for me. All that is left is my illness, my lack of ethical and moral belief, and my sexual hunger. Things that used to be nothing but extra intrigue in my character are now the whole of it. Take away my illness, and what is left?

I don’t want to be mundane, boring, average. I cling to everything that makes me not necessarily better than, but at least different from the average. To answer the question: no. I don’t want to be happy. I am rather as miserable as I am now every day than happy and forgettable, quantité négigable as they say in French.

Is that rational, or sick? It’s very narcissist, that much is certain. Does that make me pathetic? I think it does.

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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3 Responses to Maybe I Don’t Want Happiness…

  1. I’m sorry you feel that way and I understand it. I try to look at these as opportunities to create a brand new person!

  2. tocksin says:

    happiness is over-rated, I find it hard to equal the strength of your convictions whereas i tend to be more ambivalent though I sense something similar, maybe your’s is less a psychological issue as a philosophical one, those things you spoke you have left behind are worth leaving, they were never yours, they were feed to you by the milieu you were raise in, your tags revel more than what you wrote

  3. slamadams says:

    “I don’t want to be mundane, boring, average. I cling to everything that makes me not necessarily better than, but at least different from the average.” I find these lines to be telling. You seem to feel some sort of satisfaction for not being the box that everyone is trying to stuff you in. The real problem I find with happiness is that people treat it objectively when its actually subjective.

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