The Burden Was A Joy…

Everything feels empty. I thought I would feel good after completing my Glorious Purpose, but it seems I do better when burdened with purpose than without. I completed all my exams, I’m not sure but I hope to have passed at least two of the five. I’m so tired. Yesterday I did nothing but sleep, and today I’m forcing myself to stay awake because Demon Mom would kill me if she caught me sleeping during the day, but it only results in ridiculous crying fits. I think something is wrong with me.

I hate to annoy you, my dear followers, with my drama. Yet I need an outlet, and since I have no one to talk to (I have had enough talk with Demon Mom today for the rest of the month and No.7 is only going to get ridiculously worried) I vent it here.

I’m not getting suicidal or anything like that. Not that I have so much to live for, but I wouldn’t want to live through another failed attempt, the last one already ruined my life sufficiently and with how much karma hates me it wouldn’t surprise me if it happened again should I try. Ironic, isn’t it? Fear of failure, even in suicide. I’m ridiculous.

The words of Demon Mom creep under my skin and make me feel even worse. It shouldn’t, but it still does. They’re blunt honesty packed in despise, and it’s hard to filter what is what. During the exams she left me to my own devices, and now she’s getting evil fast again.

I’m tired. I can only wish for something to happen that will give me a new Glorious Purpose, I’m no good to myself when my thoughts are left to wander.

Love and apologies for being the emo kid we all hate, QP

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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11 Responses to The Burden Was A Joy…

  1. I think it’s good that you’re sharing with us how you feel! Could you keep yourself busy with some more DIY projects? I know I am happier when I’m working and have something to do.

  2. ubu507 says:

    hang in there…get some rest…

  3. tteclod says:

    Prideinmadness has a point. Do you need a task assignment?

  4. night owl says:

    I am occasionally bossy (when I’m not ridiculously submissive) or depressed. The other readers are right. You need a project. You’ll hate this one. Do it anyway.

    Make a list (and post it) of 100 things you are grateful for. Be sure to include 5 things about yourself.

  5. ideameus says:

    No advice here, just letting you know that I read your post and am thinking about you and hope you recover some optimism soon…

  6. Butterfly Joy says:

    Hugs Dear QP. I can totally identify with you esp. the empty feeling after completing an arduous task. The other commenters have a good point, how about making a list of things you wanna do, or even just one challenge (whatever task, starting from the easy and the most interesting). And please share with us however you feel. No need to apologize. 😉

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