It is said that true psychopaths rarely ever display psychotic tendencies. I am diagnosed and yet I do. You would think psychiatrists check whether a diagnosis fits with the observations before labeling someone… After all, it’s a label you’re forced to live with for the rest of your days… The truth is, however, that they don’t.
It has made me wonder. One of the psychiatrists who treated me has told me that psychosis is a way for my mind to cope with the strains of reality. Or better, a way to not cope with them at all.
It can’t be denied that I have certain likes and cravings that aren’t exactly “healthy”, or “ethical”, or even “morally right”, if that’s the way you swing… I have set certain standards for myself to adhere to, and that’s about as close to a code of ethics as I’ve ever gotten. I have never minded myself in this, never have I been plagued by guilt so to say.
What I have wondered so much about, at 3:30 in the morning, is whether maybe I do have a conscience, and my suppressed conscience is the cause of my psychosis. Because it can’t cope with the reality of the things I desire it sends me into an artificial, hallucinatory version of the world. Maybe psychosis is my way of dealing with the guilt I obviously suppress, in the case that I would possess a conscience.
Does this sound plausible to you? Mind you, I haven’t been sleeping much lately, so this could be completely random. It doesn’t matter anyway; I’m rather psychotic than depressed under guilt for the things in life I appreciate.