From The Archives Of Madness… QP’s Diary

I have kept a diary for far longer than I kept this blog… I have once uploaded the drawings I made when I was on my worst, when I couldn’t even write in a straight line anymore, but these quotes and citations come from my written diary, which I kept before and during my admission, with exclusion of the two weeks I was so derealized I wouldn’t even have known how to hold a pen properly.

“Growing up just means more masks, more faking, more things to think of, more rules to remember, more deadlines to reach, more shit to cope with, more responsibilities you never asked for.” 

“…I have been cutting myself, and I have mysteriously lost another two kg although I’m trying my best to eat properly. I’m really, really on the fucking edge of the fucking story…” 

“I can’t think… I feel so awful… My head feels so strange…” 

“…passed that magical value of 60 concerning my left arm cut wounds. Not proud…” 

“You know, the thing with Heisenbergian Promises is this: it’s not you who keeps them. It’s life that makes you keep them. If Moses doesn’t go to the mountain, let’s bring the mountain to Moses…” 

“It hurts too fucking much, they make me cry. Physics, I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry for being the weak piece of shit I am… I am so tired…”

“I miss my love… I miss my love who used to be with me all the time… Only when I cut I feel a tiny bit of that love again…”

“…I am a spineless, useless organism. I am unworthy of your caress. I couldn’t take any more of your love… I still can’t… But I need it… I need it so much…”

“Knowing you has poisoned the apple of life for me…”

“…I want to die more than ever. Not even cutting would help, I think. I just want to die. Close my eyes and slip away and never ever wake up again. I can’t bear having to live. It’s too much of a responsibility…”

“Every time I breathe I simply think; not another one.”

“I feel tired and sick today… I don’t have the strength to do anything at all. It sucks, I want to sleep all the time.”

“I want to bang my head into the wall, I can’t take the tension!!! Too Much Fucking Tension!!!”

“…I doubt my own ration now. When I think something is rational, I doubt the fact it is. My last straw just broke. Now all I am is nothing…”

“They don’t answer when I call them anymore. Algebra my longing stare I miss you so…”

When I read those things I realize I’ve already come a long way…

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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3 Responses to From The Archives Of Madness… QP’s Diary

  1. You’re doing great 🙂 You should be proud of yourself!

  2. can relate to your sentences so much from a time i felt very similar. keep going and best wishes to you!

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