The Burden of Glorious Purpose

MyMindI have done my exam. The first of five. I went well, the professor was very kind and she said I did very well, and she also said the score on my papers would influence my results positively. I think I have felt victory for like… five minutes. First there was the hour that my brain didn’t realize the exam was over, followed by five minutes of victory, and then there was just… emptiness. Tiredness. I ate, went to bed, and slept for 15 hours straight.

Now… The next one is on wednesday. And I’m back where I started. Despaired. Not rationally, I know I can study and do the best I can… But emotionally, there’s only turmoil. I’m scared. I’m afraid of things that aren’t there once more. I just want to cry, and I can’t. I can’t even cry. I feel like someone is clenching me together, I just want to roll on a ball and have it over with. I’m so tired and I can’t sleep. How can I be fucking tired when I didn’t do anything and slept for 15 hours? That’s like, my sleep ration for a week! Riemann isn’t helping either, and there’s whispering in my ears again. Tried to call my shrink but she didn’t pick up the phone; must be a sign of some sorts. It wouldn’t help anyway, she’s just going to say I should take those antipsychotics again. I don’t know what I can do to make this go away. I wish I could sleep forever. I’m sorry to be such a drama queen.

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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3 Responses to The Burden of Glorious Purpose

  1. You got through one so I’m sure you can do it again!!! 🙂 I’m really glad to hear you did well on the first exam! Exams always bring out the worst in coping….it’s irritating.

    • It definitely is.
      I’ve really considered getting back to my antipsychotics just to get rid of the constant whispering in my ears and the shadows in the corner of my eye. I know it’s just psychotic symptoms from stress but that doesn’t make them any less annoying (and frightening at night)…
      Thanks for the support 😉

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