I have done my exam. The first of five. I went well, the professor was very kind and she said I did very well, and she also said the score on my papers would influence my results positively. I think I have felt victory for like… five minutes. First there was the hour that my brain didn’t realize the exam was over, followed by five minutes of victory, and then there was just… emptiness. Tiredness. I ate, went to bed, and slept for 15 hours straight.
Now… The next one is on wednesday. And I’m back where I started. Despaired. Not rationally, I know I can study and do the best I can… But emotionally, there’s only turmoil. I’m scared. I’m afraid of things that aren’t there once more. I just want to cry, and I can’t. I can’t even cry. I feel like someone is clenching me together, I just want to roll on a ball and have it over with. I’m so tired and I can’t sleep. How can I be fucking tired when I didn’t do anything and slept for 15 hours? That’s like, my sleep ration for a week! Riemann isn’t helping either, and there’s whispering in my ears again. Tried to call my shrink but she didn’t pick up the phone; must be a sign of some sorts. It wouldn’t help anyway, she’s just going to say I should take those antipsychotics again. I don’t know what I can do to make this go away. I wish I could sleep forever. I’m sorry to be such a drama queen.