I’m Giving Up…

It is official, I have no character at all. I tried to go cold turkey on all my meds at the same time, because my parents say that A) all my problems come from my meds and B)  if you’re a strong person you don’t need medical support. Well, it turns out I’m not a strong person. I gave up trying.

I’ve been feeling terrible lately, even before I quit my pills. My mind is terribly clouded, I have no focus, I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going (take that literally, as I find myself quite often in places I have no idea how I got there) and in general I’m walking on edge. I’m battered and bruised and even the pain doesn’t clear my mind anymore. I hear things again, voices and whispers, more than usual. I’m so exhausted and yet I can’t sleep. I want to die, just for it to be over. I want to stop thinking. I want to stop having to fend for myself.

It’s such an odd feeling. Everything makes sense, and you feel wronged because people try to talk to you but they don’t see how everything you do actually makes sense, and the more you try to explain it the more you contradict yourself and the less grip you have on why exactly it makes so much sense.

I’m losing grip, and even Experiment No.7 thinks I should be admitted again. I don’t know. I don’t want to be weak. I am weak. I feel like breaking down crying or cutting myself or starting a fight with a random passer by just because I’m so confused and powerless.

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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4 Responses to I’m Giving Up…

  1. Robyn Hawk says:

    You are only as powerless as you allow yourself to be. Don’t wait for the drama to admit yourself – take the power back and make the decision of your own free will. It isn’t half as bad when you do it because you feel yourself slipping as it is when you finally have a break and they take you in kicking and screaming. The fact that you are questioning means you know…take back the power and take care of you.

    BTW – don’t listen to people who say that taking your meds is weakness…it is so much easier when the voices are quieter.

    Besides – I just found your blog – I would really miss seeing your posts in my Inbox. When I can’t sleep I lay down in a dark room and try to concentrate on my breathing and just try to relax (I know easier said than done).

    Work in the morning – so gotta go…

    Robyn

  2. chris9911 says:

    oh man, thats pretty bad when you experimental subject is telling you to get checked in 😦
    Seriously though, what are you living for?

  3. It takes time for your body to reset itself. When going off medication you have been on for a long time or when you have been using medication for a long your body needs to get used to the chemicals not being there. Of course if you don’t feel well or feel unsafe then go back and you can always try again at a later date? What about gradually going off them?

    Hugs!

  4. People who do not understand your illness are quick to judge. Stay on your meds. Sometimes it is just best to agree with someone, and keep on doing what you were doing.
    Start taking your meds again if you have already not

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