It is official, I have no character at all. I tried to go cold turkey on all my meds at the same time, because my parents say that A) all my problems come from my meds and B) if you’re a strong person you don’t need medical support. Well, it turns out I’m not a strong person. I gave up trying.
I’ve been feeling terrible lately, even before I quit my pills. My mind is terribly clouded, I have no focus, I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going (take that literally, as I find myself quite often in places I have no idea how I got there) and in general I’m walking on edge. I’m battered and bruised and even the pain doesn’t clear my mind anymore. I hear things again, voices and whispers, more than usual. I’m so exhausted and yet I can’t sleep. I want to die, just for it to be over. I want to stop thinking. I want to stop having to fend for myself.
It’s such an odd feeling. Everything makes sense, and you feel wronged because people try to talk to you but they don’t see how everything you do actually makes sense, and the more you try to explain it the more you contradict yourself and the less grip you have on why exactly it makes so much sense.
I’m losing grip, and even Experiment No.7 thinks I should be admitted again. I don’t know. I don’t want to be weak. I am weak. I feel like breaking down crying or cutting myself or starting a fight with a random passer by just because I’m so confused and powerless.