Dignity, Meds, Hope, And Other Things I’m Losing

then_when__by_shadowrose013-d3190bo

(I whine too much lately, it’s disgusting and I apologize beforehand. Anyway.)

I’m quitting my meds. Seriously, I have enough of people telling me that all my problems come forth from my meds. I’ve gone three days without now, and I feel horrible, but I won’t back down. I’m going to show them that I do have the character to live without them. I will not be weak any longer. 

I have a good psychiatrist. I hate her, but she’s really good. Despite my intense hatred I hold a great respect for her; she manages to break me and make me lose my dignity like only my mother could before, and since she’s not my mother all this also leads to insight, and not just to embarrassment afterwards. 

Today was the worst day I’ve had since coming out of the madhouse, and all because I couldn’t keep my big trap shut. I push people away. I rub the truth (my version) in their faces so that they will hate me and abandon me. The people around me, who try to love me, also hold me back in my evil thoughts, so unconsciously I try to be as bad a person as I can be so that they will cut the ties. Why don’t I do it myself, cutting the ties? Bipolarity. Deep down I don’t want to be the dominant, evil creature I am. Deep down I long to be cared for and accepted, and I -also unconsciously- hold on to the illusion that my family will bring me that. It’s a continuous game of push and pull. Indecisiveness. 

I used to lie so much, I’m afraid that I’m more honest these days than I’ve ever been. People liked my lies. People like lies in general. Perhaps I am at my best when I become what I create, a huge lie to please those around me. It used to come naturally to me, maybe I shouldn’t fight it any longer. (But I want them to know the truth!)

I cry so much lately. It’s gross. I cried like… three times this week, of which two ware today, which means I have lost my dignity trice in less than three days. I hate myself and I’m tired and I want to sleep but I can’t. Help, anyone? 

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
This entry was posted in Insanity and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Dignity, Meds, Hope, And Other Things I’m Losing

  1. chris9911 says:

    Today is a really fucking shitty day for most people with conscience. Hang in there QP, I think you are very close to getting over the ‘hump’.

  2. tteclod says:

    QP, please keep it together. There’s a lot of us rooting for you.

  3. Maybe this will lead to something really great for you? Might seem backwards or silly but you never know. Be safe when coming off your meds!

  4. angelspanked says:

    Oh, honey… taking meds doesn’t make you weak. Not taking meds doesn’t make you weak, either. Life is just a great big series of trials and errors. To give up is to give in. There are a lot of people out there who are very much like you, and I am not saying that to try to strip you of your identity – but you need not feel so isolated. If we were you (and some of us are) – what would you tell us? I know you have a lot of good advice, so try offering some to yourself. You deserve it. You need to appreciate your own depth and intelligence and tragedy and everything that makes you – well, you. Give yourself some credit… we all do. Xo.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s