(I whine too much lately, it’s disgusting and I apologize beforehand. Anyway.)
I’m quitting my meds. Seriously, I have enough of people telling me that all my problems come forth from my meds. I’ve gone three days without now, and I feel horrible, but I won’t back down. I’m going to show them that I do have the character to live without them. I will not be weak any longer.
I have a good psychiatrist. I hate her, but she’s really good. Despite my intense hatred I hold a great respect for her; she manages to break me and make me lose my dignity like only my mother could before, and since she’s not my mother all this also leads to insight, and not just to embarrassment afterwards.
Today was the worst day I’ve had since coming out of the madhouse, and all because I couldn’t keep my big trap shut. I push people away. I rub the truth (my version) in their faces so that they will hate me and abandon me. The people around me, who try to love me, also hold me back in my evil thoughts, so unconsciously I try to be as bad a person as I can be so that they will cut the ties. Why don’t I do it myself, cutting the ties? Bipolarity. Deep down I don’t want to be the dominant, evil creature I am. Deep down I long to be cared for and accepted, and I -also unconsciously- hold on to the illusion that my family will bring me that. It’s a continuous game of push and pull. Indecisiveness.
I used to lie so much, I’m afraid that I’m more honest these days than I’ve ever been. People liked my lies. People like lies in general. Perhaps I am at my best when I become what I create, a huge lie to please those around me. It used to come naturally to me, maybe I shouldn’t fight it any longer. (But I want them to know the truth!)
I cry so much lately. It’s gross. I cried like… three times this week, of which two ware today, which means I have lost my dignity trice in less than three days. I hate myself and I’m tired and I want to sleep but I can’t. Help, anyone?