I’ve had a painful, confronting session with my psychiatrist. Which is good, it has to hurt to heal. But it was still painful and confronting nevertheless. It was about weakness, and my issue with it. There is an awkward bipolarity inside me that separates dominance from submission, wanting to hurt from wanting to be cared for, narcissism from pathologically low self esteem.
I am a power-hungry, evil-natured woman who enjoys to hurt people both physically and mentally. I rather demand respect and inspire fear than love or affection, and I like it that way. I think I am justified to hurt others because they are weak. This is not a guise or mask, I truly and thoroughly enjoy my sadist acts and often ponder over taking them to the next level.
I am a sad, broken person who wants nothing more than to be appreciated, heard, cared for. I am weak, weak, weak, weak. My character is despicably, embarrassingly weak. All I want is to crawl up in a corner and have someone else take care for me like I’m a totally handicapped and retarded person.
It hurt. I’m embarrassed about this. Usually I get so angry, so incredibly angry at people when they show weakness, or tolerate weakness. and it’s so incredibly hypocritical, because deep inside I want nothing more than to be cared for, to be pampered, to be accepted and to be relieved of all responsibilities.
It’s non-compatible with what I am, while it is what I am as well. It makes me feel sick. It’s so… there is no way I can completely oversee the repercussions of this. I wanted to hit my psychiatrist because she had that smug smile, you know what I mean? That smug smile of someone in charge. I cannot accept authority, I am above rules!
I try to find reason, a pattern, anything. But I’m just lost and so ashamed that I can’t believe I’m actually blogging about this.
Psychotically yours, QP
We're All Mad Inhere 
Relax. You are normal. It may be hard to accept mundanity, but there it is. Go give your beau a hug, then ask him to spank you for being hysterical. Then get another hug.
Not weak. I don’t know what word I want to use but it’s not weak. I think I want to use Human. You are human. You want things and you should get them.
Do I contradict myself?
Very well then, I contradict myself.
(I am large, I contain multitudes).
–Walt Whitman
It’s hard to acknowledge our own ambivalence even though we all have it. Our culture teaches that each thing, including people, has to be one thing or the other. Never both at once. So we decide which of the dichotomy we are and try to force ourselves into only that role. But those of us who are self-aware and honest enough with ourselves know the experience of being human is much broader than that.
Screw conformity. You can be both things.
I love the candidness of your posts…
The thing that may hurt the most is discovering just how “normal” you are…your sadistic personality is all about the weakness you see in yourself and your need to dominate that part of you. What you will discover through time and maturity is that your vulnerability is as important as your strengths…they make you – YOU!