Life has been incredibly confusing to me lately. I have recently reached the point where I ask myself how delusional I am, exactly. The issue? My Family Unit, as this group of people I happen to share both a house and some genes with is called in my head. They are being… nice.
Define “nice”: They don’t jump on me for everything anymore. I don’t get preaches over every single thing. I haven’t been called the bane of anyones existence for almost over a month now. They smile at me. They make jokes with me and I have been able to have some really good conversations with the Demon Authority, so good actually that for the moment it feels hardly justifiable to call her that. Things don’t fall silent when I enter the room. The Stoic (my dad) has stopped leaving the room when I get in there – he still hasn’t said a word to me though. And many more things, actually.
Now, where’s the delusion? I fear it’s in the same place as the glitch in the aforementioned display of niceness. Do you believe it is genuine? Well, I don’t buy it. People who described you as the sole force ruining their lives don’t go acting all nice and happy to you, unless they want something from you. And from the amount of overall niceness and acceptation… that has to be something enormous. I don’t know what it is though.
There are multiple options:
A) The Family Unit has finally understood what I have tried to explain them time after time, namely that I function on debt and payment, and that if they want something from me they have to give me something. Yet, they have forgotten to clearly specify what they want me to do.
B) The Family Unit is trying to coax me into feeling not only indebted but also guilty, thus hoping to make me grow a conscious in time. Which would come down to brainwashing, AKA I hate it.
C) I have lost my mind once again, and this display of niceness is a delusion. Or worse, I have regained my mind and the past year was a delusion. Neither option is preferred by me. I like my (in)sanity as it is.
My psychiatrist told me I would really have to keep in mind option C, she didn’t’ say so in that much words but she still said that I had to realize it could very well be a simple change of my perception. What do you people think? I’m at a loss, feeling really unsafe in this new situation. I don’t know what I did to make it happen, so I can’t influence the chain of cause and effect here…
Chaotically yours, QP