Here I am again.
Risen from the crevices that the combined ailments of fever, stomach flu and kidney stones turned out to be, here I am again. I wish there was no more to say than simply that I’m better, but unfortunately that isn’t the case. I’m disappointed.
I’m disappointed in myself, for several reasons. For one, I am far from as okay with everything as it appears. I have grown into a rather hateful attitude towards those too weak to be successful in life, and I hate to admit it but most of that attitude is just plain self-hate. And that sounds so emo I want to bash someone’s skull in, really, but I’m afraid that it’s true. They remind me too much of what I used to be, of what I actually am without Physics, and I want to destroy them with the same ardor I have tried to destroy myself earlier.
I’m not doing the best I can, I procrastinate, I binge-eat, I forget/neglect to take my meds, my family “hates”* me, I put too much effort in my virtual life and not enough in my real one… Nothing’s going as it should and that’s entirely my own fault. And to add to it, thanks to me being sick I missed my first psychiatrist’s appointment in almost two months. It’s shitty business.
If there’s something I’m beyond grateful for, it’s for Riemann and No. 7… I don’t think I would be able to pull through without him, and I don’t think he would be able to pull through without Riemann. It seems strange, thanking a suspected alternate personality, but I don’t think I would be here, if it weren’t for her.
I don’t know what to do. Advice is always welcomed.
Chaotically Yours, QP
*make that “seriously dislikes”. They are just tired of putting up with me, what I completely understand…