Blood, An Almost-Victim, An Aching Need… My Night So Far

I hate my period. Period. Everything’s just worse then. Apparently bleeding from my intimate orifices makes me lust for blood even more than usual, so much more that I might do stupid things.

I almost put an ad on a sex-dating site to look for someone interested in knife-play. I somehow got to my senses halfway through the process of posting it and ended up deleting it. Common Sense or Cowardice? I still don’t know.

Despite having been told not to mention my rather unorthodox urges on my blog, I really can’t help it. It’s the only place where I can release it. I don’t think I would have killed a respondent to that ad, but still… I might have ended up doing more damage than intended.

My head is pounding and I’m hallucinating, I keep hearing the Gnossienne No. 1 by Erik Satie, mixing with the sound of rain on my window. I know that right now cutting would help, cutting would stop the headache and the music, but I can’t do that.

I promised Experiment No. 7 I wouldn’t cut myself, I promised the Riemann Hypothesis I wouldn’t cut myself, I really can’t break that promise. It was a promise on the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, and that’s an unbreakable oath. If you even try to break it the universe comes after you and trust me, that’s faster than Karma. I have experience.

Since I’m trying to live the Normal Life™ I can’t spank or cane myself either, so I’m lost with a borderline psychotic condition (I am still aware, I consider myself only truly psychotic from the moment I can’t tell I’m psychotic anymore), a desperate need for controlled pain, a pounding headache, stomachache feeling like I’m having knives pushed into my flesh, toothache from my up-and-coming wisdom teeth, and a new blast of insomnia.

By the way, yes I know how knives in flesh feel, I deliberately stuck a knife in and almost through my hand once.

All I can do is take a few of my Only-For-Emergency antipsychotics and hope they put my light out for tonight. If they don’t, I will resolve to food, horror and porn, as usual.

Love and Chaos,

QP

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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One Response to Blood, An Almost-Victim, An Aching Need… My Night So Far

  1. ubu507 says:

    damn..at least you’re always interesting…

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