Psychotic Early Morning Rant

I can’t sleep. It’s 5 am here and I haven’t slept in two days straight now.

And I’m so pissed. Really, I’m so fucking pissed at people with their sorry stories about how their life was so terrible and that’s why they’re NOT FUCKING TRYING TO DO IT ANY BETTER and hell that just pisses me off, you know? Depressed this, impaired that, blah, blah BLAH! If you can type and do shit then you’re capable, that’s that. All the rest is fucking bullshit, you know?

There is no such thing as CAN’T. Only DOESN’T WANT TO.

I have been diagnosed with a multitude of mental ailments but I HAVE NEVER EVER USED THEM AS AN EXCUSE FOR BEING A PATHETIC WEAKLING and I don’t intend to start doing that. Ever.

I just need to get this out. It makes me so angry. I want to cut them up in tiny pieces and make a necklace of their fucking intestines, that angry it makes me. ARGH!

You know you want to lay down and sleep. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. Close your eyes. I can’t. THERE IS NO CAN’T! Wouldn’t you give everything for someone who just holds you and tells you you don’t have to do anything? WEAK WEAK WEAK WEAK you are the most disgusting creature that ever roamed this planet’s surface! I’m so tired YOU ARE NOT I want to sleep. I want to sleep.

You’re so going to die. This weakness you are is going to die. You’re going to die by my hand and as you writhe in pain it will be good. Pain is weakness leaving the body. You’re going to disappear and it will be good again, there will be no weakness left.

Hurt you, hurt others, hurt me, the same, the same, I HATE YOU, you don’t, you don’t you don’t YOU DO I do

I despise the weak and pathetic. No matter what is their story, no matter how awful their life has been. They fill me with utter disgust.

I need to be taken care of NO YOU DON’T YOU BITCH I’m so tired, I’m so tired. YOU ARE NOT TIRED. YOU SHALL NOT SLEEP. NOT NOW. NOT EVER. I’m so tired. I’m so tired.

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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7 Responses to Psychotic Early Morning Rant

  1. Oh my dear QP I hear you! I feel this way quite often but since I try and take that whole sunshine and rainbows approach I don’t say it! It is so fucking frustrating for me to think of everything I’ve gone through and know that someone else is giving up while I’m saying, “Nope! I’m fucking fighting!” I’m dealing with the situation you described right now and it’s taking a lot for me to not flip the fuck out!

  2. Carl says:

    If you are sitting and thinking of cutting people up, I suppose it would be impossible for you to understand the disease of depression.

    • Well, I’m schizophrenic and not majorly depressed, but I do know some things.
      I know hopelessness, not being able to get out of bed because every day is just another fucking day of the same monotonic misery, I know not having anything to live for, not feeling anything profound anymore, I know what it’s like to wake up crying because of a sadness you just don’t understand and to lie awake at night going over the whole list of failures under your name. I know what it’s like to have to hurt yourself to convince yourself that you’re still alive just to go “shit I’m still here” right after it.
      So yes, I may not know depression. At all.
      But I do know weakness and failure. I despise it. I despise not having a strong enough character to pull through and realize that the way you’re feeling is all your own fault.
      I believe I’m entitled to despise it, because I’m not in possession of such a character myself. I am a weakling myself.

      I intended simply to apologize in this comment, because when I wrote the rant I was feeling really sick, but right now it’s evening again and the same thoughts bring up the same emotions over again. If I would apologize now it would be highly hypocritical.
      Just know that I don’t always think about things that way I wrote about them here. Usually I am much less black-and-white than this.

  3. waywardweed says:

    I empathize with not being able to sleep since I have had a problem with insomnia, on and off, for years. That said it sometimes signals the beginning of a mental-health crisis. Your post–a rant–has me concerned. If you don’t feel better soon, I hope you will let someone know.

    • I know that when I stop sleeping, that’s usually the beginning of an episode… Insight in illness, it’s somewhat the only good thing that came from being in the madhouse.

      There isn’t really someone I can tell about it though; my parents call my diagnoses nonsense and forbade me to sulk in pathetic excuses for being a failure, I already lost a friend because I confided in her too much and I do intend to keep my other friends, and my partner Experiment No. 7 knows but there isn’t much he can do since he depends on his parents as well.

      I hope that I’ll be able to keep an episode at a distance for now with the help of sex, horror movies and harsh corporal punishment (anything that majorly influences neurochemistry, actually) but when all that fails… well, then I guess I’ll just sharpen the blades and await the armageddon…

  4. themisadventuresofmissmisfit says:

    i just had to hear this. thanks. 🙂

  5. QP, I think I’m in love with you and want you to be my wife. Would I be able to get you released if I promised the place you are at that I would ensure that you would not get into trouble nor hurt anybody? If we can pull this off, is the any special place where, and/or manner in which you would like to get married? I should probably tell you up front that I am an extremely indulgent transvestite, really into self-feminization including feminization and sissification hypnosis audio/video and that will never change but I promise you that if all that were to impair my ability to be a man for you, I would understand if you felt compelled to bed some real guy and I’d be okay with that just so long as you’d still be my wife whom I love. What say you, Babycakes? Hell, I’ll bust you outta there in a heartbeat if you desire to be mine, me to be yours and us to be each others or simply ours. After I hit ‘Post Comment’ on this I will bake you something wonderful! Are you at all into cannabis edibles?

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