Return of the Psychosis… Another Sequel?

I have been feeling awful lately. Before all this started I used to think that when you feel bad you can snap out of it, because the bad feeling is “internal”, it’s you who’s feeling bad, not the world around you. Lately though…

Nowadays though I notice that my bad feelings “externalize” themselves. It is horrible, that feeling that the whole world is against you. It feels as if everyone looks at you, every barely audible whisper seems to carry your name, every giggle sounds like humiliation and a blush of embarrassment just creeps up on your cheeks for nothing. Just plain nothing except for your mere existence. It changes your perception so completely, it’s frightening. And the worst thing is… it feels real. No, actually, it IS real.

It is real to me then.

I can write this down now, because it’s not permanent yet. The irrational sense of being haunted, the embarrassment, the senseless fear and the even more senseless need to destroy something… It still dissipates after a few hours, leaving me truly ashamed for breaking down like that. But it’s coming back. The black beast that sleeps inside me is waking up again. I feel like there is a clock ticking in the back of my mind, and I truly wonder how long I have left. How many moments of lucidity?

Yesterday I wrote a suicide note. It scares me now, when I look at it, to read that… despair. It originates from a completely altered perception, it doesn’t even sound like me. It all started in class, suddenly I felt so disgusted by all the people around me, they felt so fake, so futile… And I felt disgusted with myself for holding up a facade and trying to act like them. And the whole world became like… a nightmare, like the ones I used to have when I was little. It felt so wrong, I felt as if I wasn’t a part of the world anymore. And… Right now I can’t really describe the feeling anymore, but it was horrible. I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep forever. I wrote the note and planned on taking all my meds at once when I got home. As you can see, I didn’t.

I know I should speak about this with someone, but I can’t. The psychiatrist won’t see me until November, the snitchy therapist is still scared shitless of me and really, I don’t need her pity, she would only enjoy seeing me break down, and my parents… well, my parents are my parents. They call my illnesses nonsense and say I for one need to grow some backbone and for two that I need to keep in mind what I do to them each time I “act nonsensical”. Experiment Nr 7 is a good listener, but he trusts psychiatry and parenthood way too much for my taste.

The only things that help are pain and fear. I have refrained from cutting for now, but I cane and whip myself more than ever. Nr 7 is a Switch, but not a sadist or a masochist, and he can’t deal with my need to inflict pain for the sake of suffering, either in myself or others. I don’t know how long this “self-help” will be sufficient to keep me lucid. The urges grow stronger together with my weakness of character, it seems. The weaker my mind is, the stronger my need for destruction.

I need help. What must I do?

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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11 Responses to Return of the Psychosis… Another Sequel?

  1. Get rid of the note!!!!

  2. Butterfly Joy says:

    “It still dissipates after a few hours, leaving me truly ashamed for breaking down like that. ” There is nothing to be ashamed of! You have an illness and you need help. It’s just like flu, or a stomach pain that comes and goes.
    I understand you, and the feeling that the world is fake, the nightmarish feelings. I know it is hard. These advices might be helpful:
    1, Go find a new therapist! They are all different. You need to find the one who can really help you.
    2, get out of the house more often. Stay in sun light and eat bananas every day!
    3, find one friend who is not judging, tell them about your feelings. Ask them to check on you daily.

    • quantumphysica says:

      Thank you for your advice…
      I talk to Nr 7 quite often, but he gets worried very easily and… well, I really don’t want to go back to the madhouse. Thinking he is doing me a favor he might as well alert my parents or a doctor and then I’m screwed.
      I have tried to find a new therapist, but I have a very “weird” and “heavy” pathology and not many are willing to do ambulant treatment of that. My psychiatrist can start treatment in November, but no sooner…
      I’ll try the sunlight-and-bananas thing 🙂 I hope it will work 🙂

  3. ubu507 says:

    The suicide bit is serious and the mental health community will take it seriously. I know that there’s a bunch of bullshit in the system but there are a few worthwhile threads you can stitch yourself together with. Use what you have to and put yourself in the place you need to be.

    • quantumphysica says:

      I really don’t want to go back to the madhouse, and that’s where they’ll put me when hearing about my situation. In the past months I’ve literally strained to stay out there, and two times already it was close…
      (once when my doctor diagnosed psychopathy and said I was a danger to my environment, once when I had a psychotic breakdown in public and they had to cart me off to the hospital, completely catatonic)
      My parents would literally cut me off if I end up committed again…

  4. Carl says:

    Your consciousness and awareness are critical. My Doctor insists that I call her before taking action related to suicide. If I need to be admitted to a safe place, that is what I should do. Sometimes, I get out of these by thinking about anybody who needs my help and I try to help that person.

    • quantumphysica says:

      I am really scared that if I tell anyone, they’ll alert others and have me committed again. My parents really threatened me concerning going back to the madhouse…

      • Carl says:

        Can you voluntarily go, thus allowing yourself to leave when you choose? Your first concern is your safety. You’re a beautiful person and a permanent solution to a temporary condition is not the right one.

  5. i wish i knew how to help. please reach out to someone near you. xx

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