I was a polygamist for quite some time. My Experiments are numbered for a reason; many of them took place simultaneously. Although I wasn’t really dissatisfied with this approach, these days I am giving monogamy a try, and that has made me think about the reasons behind my polygamous behaviour.
Of course, I experimented for fun and because human relationships have always been a source of confusion and slightly dumbstruck amusement to me, and I can say that it was definitely worth the effort. I have good memories of all my experiments, and I have learned valuable, irreplaceable lessons of each of them.
Yet, and I admit this without guilt, I have shamelessly used them. Their reactions interested and intrigued me, they were a pleasant distraction, and their constant attention was a major ego booster. I didn’t care for them as individuals; they were solely my experimental objects.
Experience (and many talks with psychiatrists) has taught me that this approach to human romantic relationships is euphemistically speaking uncommon. I couldn’t care less and I still don’t care. What interests me is why I have this approach.
The main reason is probably trust. I am a very mistrusting person, and I didn’t want to put all my eggs in one basket, so to say. My policy for experiments was “No Strings Attached”. The common denominator in all of them was that my attention was a favour, something they could never consider a given thing. When I found they deserved it –or if I was simply curious after what they would do- I could ignore an Experiment for weeks, or longer, watching how they would become more and more desperate for attention.
But there is more. I never expected any of my Experiments to be monogamous themselves. I was and still am proud to say that I am not jealous at all, that I don’t mind sharing, that I don’t expect anything I’m not willing to give myself. When they stayed loyal to me, that was nice, but I never demanded it of them. I gave them the choice.
Experiment Nr 7, my current and dearest test subject, has seduced me into monogamy lately. It is new to me and thus worth trying out, I thought when I started it. But being monogamous is hard for me, and reflecting on my reasons for polygamy has made me realize why.
Deep inside I don’t believe anyone can be monogamous to me. I believe the only way I can get someone to stay with me is by allowing him to stray as much as he wishes. No matter how weird that sounds, taking into account my Experiments and their behaviour in my tests… that is the truth.
Monogamy is a gift, and I didn’t think I was worth that gift.
Monogamy is a responsibility, and as usual I try to evade those as much as I can.
When I started testing on Experiment Nr 7, I explained him that I didn’t expect him to be faithful to me. He was borderline insulted. He told me that such a statement made him think I doubted his love for me. And yes, that is exactly what I meant with it. I didn’t trust him. I still don’t, if I’m honest.
Monogamy makes you feel special, and I don’t like that. I have reached the point where feeling special makes me vulnerable. I feel now that if Nr 7 were to cheat on me that would hurt my feelings. This leads me to being extremely tempted to cheat on him, knowing that it would hurt him beyond measure.
Sometimes I wonder why I revel in causing pain to others, both physical and mental. Sometimes the urge to it is so counterproductive that it confuses even me. I suppose that is just who and how I am… I enjoy hurting Nr 7, especially mentally. His faith in humanity in general and in me in peculiar is incredibly sweet and endearing… and still it makes me want to cause him pain more than anything.
Anyone having any thoughts on this subject? I’m curious for opinions…