On Polygamy and Experimenting

I was a polygamist for quite some time. My Experiments are numbered for a reason; many of them took place simultaneously. Although I wasn’t really dissatisfied with this approach, these days I am giving monogamy a try, and that has made me think about the reasons behind my polygamous behaviour.

Of course, I experimented for fun and because human relationships have always been a source of confusion and slightly dumbstruck amusement to me, and I can say that it was definitely worth the effort. I have good memories of all my experiments, and I have learned valuable, irreplaceable lessons of each of them.

Yet, and I admit this without guilt, I have shamelessly used them. Their reactions interested and intrigued me, they were a pleasant distraction, and their constant attention was a major ego booster.  I didn’t care for them as individuals; they were solely my experimental objects.

Experience (and many talks with psychiatrists) has taught me that this approach to human romantic relationships is euphemistically speaking uncommon. I couldn’t care less and I still don’t care. What interests me is why I have this approach.

The main reason is probably trust. I am a very mistrusting person, and I didn’t want to put all my eggs in one basket, so to say. My policy for experiments was “No Strings Attached”. The common denominator in all of them was that my attention was a favour, something they could never consider a given thing. When I found they deserved it –or if I was simply curious after what they would do- I could ignore an Experiment for weeks, or longer, watching how they would become more and more desperate for attention.

But there is more. I never expected any of my Experiments to be monogamous themselves. I was and still am proud to say that I am not jealous at all, that I don’t mind sharing, that I don’t expect anything I’m not willing to give myself. When they stayed loyal to me, that was nice, but I never demanded it of them. I gave them the choice.

Experiment Nr 7, my current and dearest test subject, has seduced me into monogamy lately. It is new to me and thus worth trying out, I thought when I started it. But being monogamous is hard for me, and reflecting on my reasons for polygamy has made me realize why.

Deep inside I don’t believe anyone can be monogamous to me. I believe the only way I can get someone to stay with me is by allowing him to stray as much as he wishes. No matter how weird that sounds, taking into account my Experiments and their behaviour in my tests… that is the truth.

Monogamy is a gift, and I didn’t think I was worth that gift.

Monogamy is a responsibility, and as usual I try to evade those as much as I can.

When I started testing on Experiment Nr 7, I explained him that I didn’t expect him to be faithful to me. He was borderline insulted. He told me that such a statement made him think I doubted his love for me. And yes, that is exactly what I meant with it. I didn’t trust him. I still don’t, if I’m honest.

Monogamy makes you feel special, and I don’t like that. I have reached the point where feeling special makes me vulnerable. I feel now that if Nr 7 were to cheat on me that would hurt my feelings. This leads me to being extremely tempted to cheat on him, knowing that it would hurt him beyond measure.

Sometimes I wonder why I revel in causing pain to others, both physical and mental. Sometimes the urge to it is so counterproductive that it confuses even me. I suppose that is just who and how I am…  I enjoy hurting Nr 7, especially mentally. His faith in humanity in general and in me in peculiar is incredibly sweet and endearing… and still it makes me want to cause him pain more than anything.

Anyone having any thoughts on this subject? I’m curious for opinions…

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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8 Responses to On Polygamy and Experimenting

  1. bpshielsy says:

    I don’t so much have an opinion on this but it is very interesting reading your approach to relationships. I’ve never met anyone with this kind of approach & so this is all new to me. Thanks for sharing & being so honest about it.

  2. tteclod says:

    The general population of western nations often overlooks how difficult non-monagamy can be as compared with monogamy. Just as most mongamous couples find themselves “tempted” to stray into non-mongamy, non-monogamous individuals sometimes experience the same “temptation” to become monogamous.

    In your case, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. If you have been forthright, honest, and open with your monogamous lover, he can’t realistically complain if you pursue another responsible sexual relationship. The issue you must resolve is whether you each agree to certain conditions, and whether the emotional stress related to an “open” relationship is something you can both sustain.

    On the other hand, you seem to imply that this relationship with #7 is strictly monogamous. So, here’s what I propose you do within your pretty head: take him at his word, but don’t fault him when he proves you right. You expect him to engage sexually with other women (men?), so it’s not fair to judge him as “unfaithful” if he does. Consider that an opportunity to discuss that other relationship and what changed his mind about being monogamous. Don’t expose your hurt feelings, and just listen to what he says. Don’t let him conflate love with commitment to a lifestyle or life-stance. One may love relatives: one doesn’t screw them.

    Your worthiness of another’s exclusive sexual fidelity is not intrinsic. There must be some exchange between your and your devoted lover that purchases that fidelity. If you’re offering him something he values, be it your love, attention, devotion, interest, company, or whatever else he desires from you, you may rely upon him to remain devoted to you exclusvely.

    If you need an ego boost, which it appears you do, ask him to tell you why he’s fucking you exclusively. Ask him what you do for him that makes that worthwhile. That would be good to know.

    • Thank you…
      I would never look down on my lover or work out my hurt feelings on him if he were to stop being monogamous; as I said I don’t expect of anyone to be what I can’t be myself.
      My problem is somewhat more subtle… Rationally I know that it doesn’t matter if he “cheats” or not, and I actually told him so too. He can “stray” as long as he tells me about it…
      Emotionally though this monogamy thing makes me feel bound to him too closely for my taste, and I know that even though rationally I don’t care about the “others”, it will hurt me in the end. Because he made me feel irrationally special at first.

      I asked him why he is monogamous, and he said he believes in unconditional love, and that one cannot commit completely to multiple people in his opinion. I disagree on this, and find it slightly naive too, but… also endearing in a way. Once again he makes me feel special. He’s getting under my skin and I’m not sure I like it.

      • tteclod says:

        Let him “under your skin” but don’t abandon your more realistic expectations. If he is innocent (as opposed to naive, which implies he should know better), then your may help him adjust to the “failure” to stay monogamous with you. If he accurately predicts and directs his actions, then you need only decide whether you ought reciprocate his fidelity. I recommend that you do, at least in the short term.

      • Thank you for your advice… I value it a lot, it sounds pretty reasonable to me.

  3. I’m pro polygamy. Not for myself but in a world were we can now have interracial and same sex couples and marriages I think it is stupid that we do not allow consenting adults to pursue a life together.

    It’s so silly that if a woman is DATING to men then that’s fine but as soon as they want to show a commitment and become MARRIED then it’s illegal! At least in North America. I know in some places it’s not.

    • The places where men can have multiple wives are much more numerous, it’s downright denigrating…
      Right now I’m trying very hard to be monogamous, even though it isn’t my “first choice”, and I’m starting to see the good side of it all…

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