So… back in the days of acute psychosis I used to cut myself with anything sharp enough to penetrate my skin. And when they took all my sharp objects I scratched. And when they cut my nails I bit myself. It was pretty bad. Luckily I did not go on long enough for them to flatten my teeth. At that time I didn’t think I would ever quit the behavior. With the passing of time though comes a certain acceptance of one’s nature, and in a way I believe the persistent self-harming disappeared together with the worst of my delusions.
Yet it’s not a fought battle, even though I thought it was. It has returned, slipped into my daily routine again. And this time it’s not like before, not grotesque and majorly bleeding, it’s less easy to spot, even for myself. Mosquito bites; they itch. When it itches, you scratch. When it goes open and the itching stops, you stop scratching. Normally, that is. At the moment, I have dirty crusts all over my legs, because I don’t stop scratching. I scratch until it bleeds and when it starts healing I scratch of the crust so it bleeds again. It’s so stupid, I realize that. It’s subconscious almost, a slight desire for pain easily filled in by automatically reaching for one of the wounds. Most of the time I only notice it when there’s blood on my hand.
Apart from the scars -hell, I have so many already, I couldn’t care less- there is also the problem of bacteria. At the moment my right ankle is thick, swollen, and hard as well, and I believe I may have gotten myself a streptococcus infection there. I tried disinfecting it several times, but it doesn’t get better and seems to spread out in my leg. I’ll probably see the doctor for that tomorrow.
I don’t know why I felt like sharing that, I just… I don’t really know what to do about it, because it has somehow embedded itself in my behavior without me taking notice. Any tips?