Why I am as I am…some thoughts

Why am I as I am?

Today I spoke to a new psychiatrist. I don’t know what to do with her yet; the different parts of my personality all have their proper opinion on her and that way it’s difficult to determine a direction. It leads me to question myself. Why am I as I am?

I am as I am because I find a huge gratification in the pain and fear of others, because it is sexually exciting to me, because I simply like it. The feeling of power is intoxicating beyond description.

I am as I am because I believe the true nature of a human being shows when it is pushed towards the limits of its existence. All my life I have observed people, manipulated them and their surroundings to see how they would react; exploring the limits is the only logical next step to increase my knowledge of humanity.

I am as I am because I am a broken person. Because I have lost all what kept my already fragmented mind together. I hang on to something defining, something that makes me an individual. I hang on to the one thing I can call mine, the one thing I can call my talent. I cherish my disease for it is all I have left.

I am as I am because I am a jealous, childish soul looking for a way to avenge the years I was misunderstood, underestimated and disregarded, no matter if this happened for real or in my imagination only. I feel humanity owes me something and I intend to take it back by force.

I am as I am because I don’t want to be weak, I am rather sick than a failure.

I am as I am because I want to leave a trace in the only way I can. Rather I am loathed and remembered than loved and forgotten. To succeed in life to me is to be remembered, no matter the cost.

I am as I am because I am as I am. Life has shaped me to become the one I am. A sadist soul that find pleasure in the pain of others, someone who loves to shock and to provoke, an attention-seeker, a ruthless experimenter, a hurt child, a broken person. That is who I am. I know that deep down there is probably some “good” in me, like there is in everyone. I don’t believe in absolutes. As much as I know that revenge is childish, as much as I know that other people aren’t to blame for my mistakes, I know that it is okay, the way I am.

Perhaps there is some cure for what the doctors call my psychopathy; when you trace back the line of my life you will sure find reasons for it.

This new psychiatrist, I don’t know what to do with her. Should I trust her, or should I try to break her like I broke my previous therapist? I think I like her, and that is always dangerous. If she cures my “illness” I will be left without defense in a world that has nothing good in wait for me. She won’t cure my schizophrenia, but she might convince me to take medication, medication that will erase the “I am” in who I am. I will be left with nothing but questions, and my inner weaknesses will be out for the world to pick at. On the other hand, she might just make me a happier person, less angry, better armed to defend my fragmented personality from hostile influences, and that without destroying who I am.

I will have to evaluate whether I find it a risk worth taking.

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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14 Responses to Why I am as I am…some thoughts

  1. It sounds to me as if you are most afraid of yourself. Who that is remains to be seen. Simple logic dictates that for all you describe there is a polar opposite inside you. Everything is in balance. If the cosmos and Earth and seasons and the sort, over time, balance, it stands to reason that single organisms such as people would be as well.

    Are you afraid of your alter ego?

    • I have heard that a lot already, that I am afraid of myself. I can’t really put a finger on it why exactly. It is true indeed that I have a lot of contradiction in myself; this is hard and indeed somewhat frightening to me. I don’t know anymore who I am exactly; without something to tie everything together I fall apart into the state that got me locked up in the first place. Acute psychotic confusion.
      As for my alter ego -she prefers terms as “head-mate” or “headily cohabitant”- I don’t think I’m afraid of her. Despite that the terms of our cohabitation are vague I have the strange feeling that she is in a way the only person I can truly trust.

  2. Why do you attend a Psychiatrist? They can only provide medication yet you will not take it!
    Your illness give’s you the pleasures that you describe and these pleasures are beyond your control.
    Should you trust her? Do you believe she trust’s you? Trust is supposed to work both way’s i believe.
    I believe your logic is wrong when you say ( exploring the limits is the only logical next step to increase my knowledge of humanity ).
    If you cannot understand yourself how can you understand humanity which is made up of so many different individual’s.
    I live with a Psychopath who is also my eldest son and he has none of the amazing feeling’s of power etc gained via the misery of other’s simply because we do not play his game any more.
    No response from the target = no satisfaction for the psychopath sexual or otherwise.
    Being a Psychopath does not make you an individual – it make’s you one amongst many who are ill with this disgusting disease.
    You do not break Psychiatrist’s-they get fed up with people like us who seek help but in reality do not want it-So as i said already…What is the point of attending?

    • I still live with my parents, and indeed, they are quite fed up with me playing them. They have arranged for me to go to this psychiatrist as a last resort before they have me incarcerated again.
      I can see that there are good reasons to attend and to work with this woman, not in the first place because I never want to go back to the madhouse. I somewhat admire the new psychiatrist, she’s smart and she has many more years of experience than I, in the field of manipulating the human mind. If it were to come to a fight, it won’t be one I can win. I better try to learn from her.
      I don’t know what help she could offer me, so I can’t say if I would want to take it. All I know is that it’s probably helpful to talk to someone I actually respect instead of my previous therapist, who has lost all my respect in when she broke her oath of secrecy.

  3. themisadventuresofmissmisfit says:

    Very powerful. This left me speechless. You’ve analyzed yourself well, and that’s what makes you stronger than most. You truly are an amazing being. I like your personality, I don’t see anything wrong with who you are. Well, that’s just me. Good luck with your new psychiatrist, not that you need it. 😉

  4. Konstantina says:

    You said ” I will be left without defense… ” and I think that’s the most important of who you are;

  5. chris9911 says:

    Would you ever consider running off to middle of nowhere and live out your life in complete isolation?

  6. nympha says:

    What a moving post!
    I’ve had some good friends with mental illnesses….
    One thing to keep very firmly in mind is that therapists VARY A LOT. You need to “shop around” and try several until you find one that you have GOOD CHEMISTRY with.
    To try to keep things on a more cheerful note, one might make an analogy to “going on dates” with a number of people, until you find someone you’re compatible with.
    Best luck!!! 🙂

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