The amusement value of murder; or why I will lie to my psychiatrist

I have mentioned my “urges” as I call them every now and then, without really explaining what they are to me. That is what I will do now. In a few words: my urges tend towards murder and extreme sadism.

These practices aren’t really accepted in modern day society, I very well know that. Therefor I believe the urges need to be controlled until I am certain I can get away with them. Living with my parents and all I’m not in an ideal position. They are strong though, and I often find myself very temped to give in to them, no matter the consequences.

It bothers me dearly… I feel I need to talk about this, I really do. Every time I hold a knife there are images flashing in front of my eyes, and I realize that I’m in pretty deep already. I need to talk about it because only when it is in the open it feels safe. That is why I tell you this here, in public. It is not for your amusement and it is not to be a drama queen, it is out of what I feel is pure necessity.

I think of lying to my psychiatrist/therapist though. I’m quite a good liar, if I may say so myself, so I don’t think that will be a problem. The thing is this: with my diagnosis… speaking of urges like mine might result in collocation. And if there is one thing I can’t use right now it’s another involuntary stay at the loony bin…

I am in need of advice. To lie or not to lie? On one hand I would appreciate the professional opinion, on the other hand I’m not going to eat more pills, I just managed to get rid of some…

Murderous greetings, QP

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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28 Responses to The amusement value of murder; or why I will lie to my psychiatrist

  1. Just remember that the biggest issue for liars is not that others won’t ever believe them… but that they can never believe any one ever. As long as you accept that nothing ever told to you may be the truth, go ahead and lie all you want in that everyone else is to you.

    • what you say is most certainly true… I already have major “trust issues” so most of the time I take into account the possibility of being lied to anyway.
      Yet I don’t feel comfortable lying about my urges. It is something that truly fights inside me, I value the opinion and at the same time I wonder if I really want something to change. I’m really at a dead end concerning this problem…

      • It just occurred to me that lies may be spiritual knives, cutting that which bleeds emotions and tears, not blood and the like. If the perverse aspect of you twitched and smiled at that, its understandable.

        You have those who are very dear to you. From this point forward you would have to accept everything they say with suspicion, even if its the most endearing, tender comments. That would be your own lies cutting you, which again you may find appealing.

        The soul that ultimately could become your victim – that would be the stone that disappears beneath surface. Its gone. But the ripples that extend out from it would never stop. You’d likely affect hundreds of lives immediately and countless thousands in the future. What if they were to become the parent of a famous designer or artist? Or someone who might find a cure for a horrid disease? Or were the parent you wish you had to some soul who now grows cold, uncaring, withers up and becomes something completely else, possibly even a manifestation of someone you currently loath. You’d be responsible for creating that which you despise.

      • What you say is right, and has played in my mind quite a lot already. You put it quite poetically, I can appreciate that. If the world is a blackboard, taking a life is erasing someone else’s writing. And that writing was a bit of a whole, perhaps a letter of a word which now has different meaning, the answer to a question that will remain unsolved forever now…

        To some, leaving traces means building things. Writing on Life’s Blackboard. To me…
        I wasn’t given a crayon to begin with. I have tried writing, screeching my fingers over the blackboard, annoying the crap out of everyone including myself. I was given a sponge. An eraser.
        The only way I will ever leave a trace, is by destruction.
        You say I would be responsible for creating hat I loathe, and perhaps you are right. What I loathe is the self-importance of people. They find themselves so high and mighty, being “owners of a crayon”, builders, living in their own life they built for themselves. Most people live the whole of their life without realizing how unimportant they are. They have meaning, they add up to the whole, and yes, without them it wouldn’t be the same… but their emotions, their worries, their daily life trouble… They mean nothing.

        When looking at death, a man’s eyes become honest windows of the soul.

      • So in that others have erased your blackboard you feel entitled to the same?

      • No, not really. There is only one blackboard, this being the world, and I never wrote anything to begin with.

      • I disagree. You write on it constantly.

      • Nothing worth remembering…

      • Indeed.
        I know that I have no less or more worth and right of existence than any other being, and I also know that the importance of my existence is equal to that of practically any other human being. No complexes on that part.
        But to leave a trace that is like a scar, big and ugly and catching attention, more is needed than simply existing.

  2. When I had my “urges” way back when I was told by my parents to lie. Ok it wasn’t a lie it was a slight attempt but not, well anyways, I think you need to judge if you are going to act on your urges or not. If they are just irritating and distracting then maybe you can keep doing what you’re doing because you haven’t acted on them. If they are becoming unbearable and the odds of acting on them are high then you should probably tell your therapist. It’s up to you though because you are the one living with the results of either choice. Find the lesser of two evils.

    • Thank you…
      It is very confusing. There are times I’m only just an inch from acting upon them, and times that I can keep them at bay very well. It’s only part of my personality, I think…
      What did you do to get rid of your urges? Did you ever get rid of them, that to begin with?
      I never met anyone who had similar urges, except for this one woman at lockdown and she was almost always in isolation for violent behavior…

      • My urges came on while I was on medication and my research showed me that sometimes certain psychiatric medications can cause homicidal thoughts and actions. So stopping the medication helped. I still feel urges to hurt people, more like punching them, when I get angry but this is why I liked the writing you shared on your blog about that woman and the torture. I end up just playing the scenes over in my head and I find them satisfying. So I think it’s about finding an outlet for those urges that are safe like writing or art. The more stable I have become the easier to manage everything has been.

  3. Kirk Rehn says:

    Hey you. I haven’t commented in a while, I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say except .. its ok. Feel your feelings. Want to murder? Fine. No, its not acceptable in our society. But maybe its acceptable in your mind. Everything you think and feel is ok. Do I care if you act on those urges? Of course. Especially if its me 🙂 But to tell you to lie? That’s murdering your thoughts. Ultimately, do what you think is right. I can’t advocate murder, but I can advocate that you tell your doctor what you’re thinking. I always told my doctor when I was suicidal. Not once was I hospitalized for feeling that way. The only times I was hospitalized were when I acted on those feelings. I can’t guarantee every doctor will act the way mine did, but I can guarantee that you have the right to feel the way you do. Others have hurt you. You want to hurt them. Or maybe there’s some other reason. I can’t judge. The feeling of power over the lives of others is intoxicating, at the very least. Turn that power inwards to change yourself, instead of changing the lives of others. Let others decide what to do with their lives, let others judge for themselves whether they want to live or not, just as you can judge for yourself whether you want to be in control of your own life or not.

    I’m a big fan. I hope I made sense. Don’t let people tell you whether to lie or not. Don’t let people tell you how to live your life. If the only place you can open up is here on this blog, then don’t hold back. I hope you can trust your doctor, and I hope you can trust that what I say is true, but ultimately trust yourself and your thought processes. You have control. Always.

    • Thank you very much for your comment.
      You surely made sense to me, and I think that ultimately I won’t lie to my psychiatrist. Que sera sera, I will see what happens.
      It is very intoxicating indeed, having someone in a state of complete helplessness, to see someone in pain or fear… It is power, and it is also… To me the utter satisfaction would be to warp someone’s mind into enjoying his own murder.

      Don’t we all want to leave a trace on the surface of the earth? Life’s Blackboard? But I don’t have a crayon, I only have a sponge.

  4. headsink says:

    It is always said,”Honesty is the best policy”. Thus, it is better not to lie. I hope those psychiatrist don’t change what you are thinking because I believe murderous rage & sadism can contribute to creativity. Sometimes it is wrong to change someone’s perspective of life, just keep in mind that harming another human is not good. I mean let the murder and sadism flow in a correct way especially in art.

  5. tteclod says:

    You’re not alone. I enjoy hurting people.

    Some of us dare to be honest on these blogs where some effort is required to correlate a psuedonym with a public name. That doesn’t mean full disclosure is in your best interest.

    When I was a young engineer (which means, I suppose, that I am no longer young), an old man with much more experience chastised me for insisting there was only one “right” way to solve a particular design challenge. He advised me,. “There is no one right way to solve any problem, overcome any obstancle, or address any concern. Life isn’t so black and white; gray is everywhere.”

    This advice, I think, is applicable to your current dilemma. Here in America, it is common to hear, “Paper or plastic?” at the grocery as the man bagging the groceries asks what sack material I want. As you know, there is at least a third option: I brought my own fabric bag.

    You have permitted yourself to become boxed into a false choice: truth or falsehood. There are other choices: silence; politely defer; assert that you are “not comfortable sharing that yet;” address more practical problems in your life; build trust on little things with your therapist first until you are certain he or she trusts you enough to let you live free. There are more choices than truth or lies.

    One more thing: you need to take up a contact sport with people you’re hard-pressed to injure, like strong men twice your body weight. Be sure to let your fellow athletes know you’re a mean little bitch so they’re not surprised. And no eye-gouging, punching or grabbing below the belt, biting, or scratching. Men don’t like that. We do like getting punched, preferably not in the face or groin. And no knives: men get serious around knives.

  6. Glad to see that others are jumping in and adding their .02.

    One final comment – Do you believe everything I said in regards to this….or was I lying? Words on a screen are removed of emotion, body language, mannerisms, etc…but also can be doubly as powerful as spoken ones, I feel.

    Just something to think about when you think about lying.

  7. Try reading up on impulse-control disorders from which i suffer

  8. themisadventuresofmissmisfit says:

    Lie. That’s what I do. Psychiatrists profile you and put you under a category. A category that, unfortunately, is too general to be accurate. They don’t really listen to your urges cause they can’t understand. They just look for the pattern in your behavior or personality, from there they give a diagnosis. Which we both know doesn’t do anything. You can put on a show and lie, they won’t be able to tell the difference between your real urges and the ones you made up. They can’t actually “fix” you. You’re the only person who can can control your urges, no matter what your psychiatrist says. If you really want to do it, no one can stop you but yourself. Well, that’s in my opinion.Oh. In case you’re wondering, I’m a registered nurse and psychiatric nursing is one of my majors. Odd, I still don’t believe that modern day medicine and study can change people. They don’t address human beings individually. They diagnose people by getting the symptoms that fit a diagnosis and disregarding the other symptoms that doesn’t fit. Thank you, QP. If I may call you that. Reading your post liberated me, I now have this need to publish my true nature. For once, I will not leave the important details out. I’ve fully embraced my abnormality, thanks to you.

    • I believe that to have normality in a society, to define the simple CONCEPT of normality for a society, you need people on the ends of the curves too. Without the exceptional, the bizarre, the sick and twisted… without that there is no normality either.
      You can sure call me QP, that’s how people address me mostly 🙂
      I read your post and I am glad that I could somehow inspire something of it…

      • themisadventuresofmissmisfit says:

        Thanks QP. The post you read was just half of the real story. I made that way before I read this post. You’ve helped me a lot. My next post would be the truth. No more hiding for me, thanks to you. 🙂

  9. angelspanked says:

    You have sadistic tendencies? That’s super hot. There are some fruitful ways to channel that, if you know what I mean 😉

    PS (“People who are brutally honest get more satisfaction out of the brutality than out of the honesty.” ~Richard J. Needham)

    • Oh, I surely know those ways and exploit them to the max… (at lest, tot he extent living at home allows me; if I could I would make my living quarters a dungeon, but unfortunately my parents don’t approve…)

  10. angelspanked says:

    Well, I eventaully plan to make my attic a dungeon – when my roommate moves out. You can come live with me. I figure this could be the arrangement. I have a decent amount of people (entirely deserving, you can read it when I get my shit together and write my memoir) that I want tortured but I’m a masochist so I’d probably fuck it up. I can bring these people to you and you can exert your creative sadism. I have a HUGE backyard adjoined with woods and there’s plenty of space to bury… things. I don’t like digging but if you’re like all crazy and sadistic and a hot mess then I guess I wouldn’t tell you no 😉

    • That sounds like a delightful plan indeed 🙂 *giggles*
      I may be rather un-choosy when it comes to who I torture, but it’s always more satisfying when you know the reason why this person deserves it so much…

  11. Pingback: Compassionate Communicator Award « Pride in Madness

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