So yesterday I decided to do a little experiment. I didn’t take my pills yesterday. I will tell you what happened.
At first, nothing. I started to forget I actually hadn’t taken them, just doing what I always do, that kind of things.
And then it started. It was as if I could feel it crumble, as if the world was changing right in front of my eyes. It frightened me. It frightened me because I could feel my lucidity practically slip away. And no, I didn’t go into a complete crisis. It would take probably about a week of no pills for that. Realizing that is creepy too.
And there was the bloodlust. Even with the pills I have this bizarre, almost sexual need to cause pain and fear in others. When I’m faithfully taking my meds I can usually restrain it, but now it was very… strong. I don’t find it wrong and I don’t feel guilty, it’s just very inconvenient given my situation.
I couldn’t sleep at night, I saw and heard things, and I was scared. I was really frightened by everything. I even started thinking of suicide for some reason. The next morning I sort of rushed to get my medication, I felt like a drug addict. And while writing this I realize that is exactly what I am. Without the pills I am either ready to go on a rampage or ready to hide in my closet, neither of them are very positive since I have to keep my housemates happy.
And then there is the matter of my psychiatrist/therapist/… I currently have none. An experiment as well, and I hoped to conclude it with getting off the pills. Now I doubt it was a good idea…
Not fun, really. I hate my disease.