Fear, Pills and Bloodlust: An experiment

So yesterday I decided to do a little experiment. I didn’t take my pills yesterday. I will tell you what happened.

At first, nothing. I started to forget I actually hadn’t taken them, just doing what I always do, that kind of things.

And then it started. It was as if I could feel it crumble, as if the world was changing right in front of my eyes. It frightened me. It frightened me because I could feel my lucidity practically slip away. And no, I didn’t go into a complete crisis. It would take probably about a week of no pills for that. Realizing that is creepy too.

And there was the bloodlust. Even with the pills I have this bizarre, almost sexual need to cause pain and fear in others. When I’m faithfully taking my meds I can usually restrain it, but now it was very… strong. I don’t find it wrong and I don’t feel guilty, it’s just very inconvenient given my situation.

I couldn’t sleep at night, I saw and heard things, and I was scared. I was really frightened by everything. I even started thinking of suicide for some reason. The next morning I sort of rushed to get my medication, I felt like a drug addict. And while writing this I realize that is exactly what I am. Without the pills I am either ready to go on a rampage or ready to hide in my closet, neither of them are very positive since I have to keep my housemates happy.

And then there is the matter of my psychiatrist/therapist/… I currently have none. An experiment as well, and I hoped to conclude it with getting off the pills. Now I doubt it was a good idea…

Not fun, really. I hate my disease.

QP

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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17 Responses to Fear, Pills and Bloodlust: An experiment

  1. Not clicking “Like” but damn…..

  2. Black Hippie Chick says:

    I understand, this week has been a battle of sorts for me. I began to feel my MS acting up, really poor vision and spinal pain…it lead to an MRI, two appointments with an optometrist and 3 days of 1000ml of IV steroids…the doctor isn’t sure what caused the vision problems, but he did say that it isn’t what caused me to go blind in my left eye…I’ve been living with that fear for the better part of the week. While its not the same exact feelings that you experienced, I feel that I can understand the position you’re in. Know that we’re always here for you :)!

  3. Fatal says:

    We don’t have the same disease, but I wanted to comment because I’ve tried this experiment before, and though I managed very well for two or three days, I did end up in the involuntary psych ward, strapped to a bed, trying to make the friction from my restraints bleed me anew.
    And I felt the very same disdain and rawness at my own failure, because taking pills every day makes me feel like I’m somehow “less than.” I have no advice to offer really, just a feeling of kinship, and I hope you’re doing alright now.

    xoxo
    Fatal

    • thanks for your support…
      Somehow it’s so… disappointing, realizing that my lucidity hangs on a thin, medication-induced cord. It makes me angry with myself.
      I’m doing fine again, yesterday I was still a bit shaky and twitchy, but today I’m fine again…

  4. I’ve been lucky that going off medication has never done anything harmful to me or caused me to go back into a place I didn’t want to be. You need to be in the right place to try or end any type of treatment.

    • yeah… I know that now…
      They had told me that with my condition I’ll most likely be on meds for the rest of my days, but I didn’t want to be that… weak, you know?
      I had successfully managed to quit most of the tranquilizers, and one of the antipsychotics, and all that had caused was a slight increase in my “urges”. So I was pretty sure I could go cold turkey on the rest… stupid me…

      • cold turkey is hard. I’m a cold turkey type person myself. This grey area of tapering off confuses me.

        Are you working on managing your urges? I think I remember you saying you don’t have a counsellor or anything right now so it may be difficult to do that on your own at first.

        It’s great that you managed to get off some of your medication! I think you need to remember that your body will react negatively to the drugs being removed from your system so that may result in symptoms that are irritating.

      • I do try very hard to manage my urges… I mean, I’m currently having a surprisingly clean criminal record and I’m rather proud of that, therefor I’d like to keep it clean for the time being… At least, until I don’t live with my parents anymore, they would die in shame…

        It’s pretty hellish to do it on my own… Most of the time I just wanna scream at everything and everyone. The best moments are the ones when I’m actually making plans to fulfill the urges, because in those I am blissfully unaware of their consequences. For now the realization always follows those moments, and I’m not quite sure if I like that. Perhaps life would be easier if I could really be deemed clinically insane…

        I notice the reactions; my insomnia is getting worse and I have some unexplainable fear issues too, like uncomfortable paranoia, that only are relieved by either getting frightened big time or relays caring the shit out of someone else…

      • It’s great that you do try! I didn’t think you would just let them go. Congrats on the clean record! That seems to be a good motivator at this point in time. It can still be a motivator for me not to let my rage spiral to far out of control.

        If you were deemed clinically insane would you just live the rest of your days in a hospital? I remember months ago you said things were easier there.

      • Things were sure easier there… It was even rather pleasant, to some extent. But the life in the madhouse is, however easy, also… boring. And I’m okay with boring when I’m exhausted and scared and stuff, boring is safe…
        If I would be deemed clinically insane I would become a ward of the state and indeed spend my days on the lockdown department…

        Of course, there are also some motivators to keep me going in the daily life, no matter how hard and fucked up it is. I have my experiments, of which one in peculiar has really spiked my interest (the famous Nr 7) and I don’t think I could miss having sex… (which is FORBIDDEN in the clinic!)
        I also would like to study something again, and decorate my own place, and things like that. Apart from the urge to cut people open I also have some “normal” desires, you see…

  5. Cathi Carol says:

    Cold turkey is dangerous for your body and mind.

    From Dr. Peter Breggin:
    “WARNING!

    “Most psychiatric drugs can cause withdrawal reactions, sometimes including life-threatening emotional and physical withdrawal problems. In short, it is not only dangerous to start taking psychiatric drugs, it can also be dangerous to stop them. Withdrawal from psychiatric drugs should be done carefully under experienced clinical supervision.

    “Methods for safely withdrawing from psychiatric drugs are discussed in Dr. Breggin’s new book, Psychiatric Drug Withdrawal: A Guide for Prescribers, Therapists, Patients, and Their Families.”

    Book:
    Psychiatric Drug Withdrawal
    A Guide for Prescribers, Therapists, Patients and their Families
    By Peter Breggin, M.D.
    http://breggin.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=296&Itemid=129

    Website:
    Empathic Therapy: http://www.empathictherapy.org/What-Is-Empathic-Therapy-.html

  6. Cathi Carol says:

    Take care, darling. You will feel better soon. Don’t let the urges tell you how to live. Tell the urges to leave you alone. You deserve a better life than the urges want for you. You are in control. You are always in control. Drugs or no, urges or no, you control you. That is the strongest power of all. Love, C.

  7. Cathi Carol says:

    You can do that because the urges that want to hurt you through hurting others are not “you”. So you control them. They are literally unable to control you.

    The urges are manifestations of fear, and fear is not real.

    The more you ignore the urges, the more they may scream, “We are real! We are real!” But they know they are not. The more you ignore them, the harder they will fight. But it is thin air fighting you.

    You have total power over things that are not real and not even there.

    Just ran across this again.

    http://kipcentral.wordpress.com/2012/04/19/a-story-about-withdrawal-elainas-story-of-the-past-year/

  8. Out of curiosity only………
    Reading slowly through your page’s you are without doubt one of the smartest and self aware individual’s that i have ever had the opportunity to speak to.
    I have been in an Asylum many year’s past now for a period of just less than 2 year’s where i know those on the edge of genius/insanity dwell. ( Sadly i am not in the genius group )
    What prompted me to comment on this post is a statement that you made in reply to a comment made.
    You stated….( I also would like to study something again )
    Have you ever given any thought to the actual study of your own ( As you put it ) Insanity?
    By your writing’s it is obvious to see that you have more than one single illness.
    This causes problem’s for psychiatrist’s since they work from the book of criteria.
    As you know? to be diagnosed with something you must fit a set criteria.
    The real problem arises when you have other symptom’s outside a particular criteria.
    since these symptom’s are not usually found in illness a or b then the assumption is that you do not have a or b.
    When in actual fact you could have a-z.
    I do not know why? But psychiatrist’s find it difficult to think beyond the obvious.
    The reason that i write this is because the length of time for my diagnosis was probably one of the longest on record due to mixed symptom’s.
    Eventually through a lot of hard work and annoying the Arse out of the shrink’s.
    One of them decided to call my bluff and sent me for an MRI.
    For some reason or another i never met with this ignorant fool again but when i received my result’s it was found that i had right frontal lobe brain damage scar tissue from an old wound which can be traced back to when i was a child aged 7-This type of damage changes the behaviour and much more.
    Hey presto-the extra symptom’s now fitted.
    The shrink’s did not like the fact that they had been wrong but it made me wonder if they really did have a clue beyond basic Psychiatry?
    I am not saying that you may have brain damage…But i would honestly guess that there is more than just the one little thing wrong.
    And as i found…Often the patient must become the teacher-First they teach themselves and then their Dr

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