So I’m back, not with news, but with thoughts.
Those who know me know this is true, and those who don’t… well, they do now. I am a lazy person. I am a great supporter of the easy way, the way of least resistance. And I have a problem, I mean a REAL FUCKING PROBLEM with responsibility. Responsibility, and the stress that comes with it, makes me downright psychotic.
I have seriously considered going back to the madhouse. For many reasons.
Let me explain you.
When I first got there, I was suicidal, delusional and completely disturbed. I can say that now, looking back on events. Even though my parents say it was a bad idea, I think getting committed has been the thing that saved my life. Nevertheless… Getting committed is like skipping classes. The first time you’re scared. You don’t know what you’re up for, you’re afraid to get caught, you know you’re breaking a rule,… But when you’ve done it once, it’s like a threshold that got lowered a lot. You know what you’re up for now. You know the advantages and disadvantages. It’s like that with skipping classes or meals, cutting yourself, staying up all night, getting drunk,… Once you’ve done it, you’re more likely to do it again.
And here you have my lazy attitude kicking in.
The madhouse is an easy place to live. The food is beyond terrible, I give you that, but further it’s quite an easy life. You sleep, try to get up for breakfast, get your meds in the morning, try to show up for therapy, make up some funny things to annoy the nurses with, have a terrible lunch, have appointments with the psychiatrists, have coffee, hang around in the kitchen or play games on the pc, have dinner, meet your visitors, and go to bed. Easy-Peasy.
It is an easy life, and I am a big fan of all things easy.
It’s not that I really want to be like that. So… Useless. Lazy. A burden on my family and friends. It’s just that when I think about what I have to do to survive in the world and how fucking stupid my life will probably be, I get so tired I just want to lie in bed and forget it all.
Life is only what you make it, I know that. I used to be enthusiast to the point of mania, I had the strength to carry things to the utter limit if necessary. I believed in the endless possibilities… and I lost that. Now I just get tired if only I think of all the responsibilities that await me.
Life is like classes, and to graduate I’ll have to follow them… but skipping has become a very tempting option all of a sudden. The question is now… Will I be not only a college dropout but also a dropout from the School of Life?
I want to prove those who have given up on me wrong. The people that make sneaky remarks about following dreams and giving up. The people that are disappointed in me. The people that no longer want to be acquainted with me because I’m schizophrenic and who happen to think all schizoid people are dangerous sociopaths. I want to prove them wrong so badly… I just don’t know if I have the energy to do it… Sleeping is so tempting.