A lot has happened lately. I have received another diagnosis; I have a schizoid disorder now. And a psychosis, this being a symptom of previously mentioned.
They have told me, finally to my face, that this condition is fairly incurable. Not meaning I can’t have a life of my own, just that the acute psychosis can and will always return. When I experience major life events, when I’m under severe pressure, or just at random moments. Any time.
If my head is a house, Psychosis is like a nasty houseguest. It comes unannounced and mostly on moments you really can’t use it. It messes with your neurochemistry like a nasty houseguest messes with your fridge. It never says how long it’s going to stay and always ends up staying longer than prepared for. It provides entertainment for itself in the most unpleasant ways, and being a good host you can’t really say something about it.
If heads are houses, my house has no front door anymore. Psychosis can just walk in and out any time it likes.
But I have made a decision for myself. Life is only as good as it gets. Psychosis and me, we may not get along too well… but just like there is a reason you got acquainted with your houseguests in the first place, there is a reason why I have psychotic episodes.
According to my therapist, Psychosis is a way for my brain to cope with reality. Something I am born with. My parents have told her lots of things, things I didn’t even remember myself, and she thinks I have always had psychotic episodes from time to time, but they just never caught anyone’s attention because I was only a kid and they never were as acute as the one that got me admitted.
Perhaps, if she’s right, I shouldn’t “fight” Psychosis, but learn to live with its irregular pattern of coming and going.
Practically this means I’m going to study again. Not at the university, I plan to take on something called “Library School”. It’s where you learn to become a librarian. I don’t really want to become a librarian, although I do love books. I just think it’s not too hard of an education, and if I would want to study something else later on, it will have taught me a lot of useful skills.
It will never be easy to live with the way I am. But honestly, it never was easy before I had my first acute psychosis either. I try to stay positive. Life is only as good as it gets.