Musings on a nasty houseguest: Me and Psychosis

A lot has happened lately. I have received another diagnosis; I have a schizoid disorder now. And a psychosis, this being a symptom of previously mentioned.

They have told me, finally to my face, that this condition is fairly incurable. Not meaning I can’t have a life of my own, just that the acute psychosis can and will always return. When I experience major life events, when I’m under severe pressure, or just at random moments. Any time.

If my head is a house, Psychosis is like a nasty houseguest. It comes unannounced and mostly on moments you really can’t use it. It messes with your neurochemistry like a nasty houseguest messes with your fridge. It never says how long it’s going to stay and always ends up staying longer than prepared for. It provides entertainment for itself in the most unpleasant ways, and being a good host you can’t really say something about it.

If heads are houses, my house has no front door anymore. Psychosis can just walk in and out any time it likes.

But I have made a decision for myself. Life is only as good as it gets. Psychosis and me, we may not get along too well… but just like there is a reason you got acquainted with your houseguests in the first place, there is a reason why I have psychotic episodes.

According to my therapist, Psychosis is a way for my brain to cope with reality. Something I am born with. My parents have told her lots of things, things I didn’t even remember myself, and she thinks I have always had psychotic episodes from time to time, but they just never caught anyone’s attention because I was only a kid and they never were as acute as the one that got me admitted.

Perhaps, if she’s right, I shouldn’t “fight” Psychosis, but learn to live with its irregular pattern of coming and going.

Practically this means I’m going to study again. Not at the university, I plan to take on something called “Library School”. It’s where you learn to become a librarian. I don’t really want to become a librarian, although I do love books. I just think it’s not too hard of an education, and if I would want to study something else later on, it will have taught me a lot of useful skills.

It will never be easy to live with the way I am. But honestly, it never was easy before I had my first acute psychosis either. I try to stay positive. Life is only as good as it gets.

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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14 Responses to Musings on a nasty houseguest: Me and Psychosis

  1. Lily Wight says:

    Own that psychosis, Hun x It’s part of your uniqueness x

  2. It is really interesting reading your writing. I as well suffer from a mental malady although not as severe as yours but equally as debilitating possibly. I always felt like such a weirdo having such cognity yet suffering from the depression and anxiety just the same. I know what is going on upstairs, but can not control its coming and goings. It sounds to me like you are similar. It is really comforting when you find out on any level that you are not the only one at anything. Thank you. I now know that there are at least 2 people out there who would be a great study due their own understanding of their disability. You are very brave and a good writer too! 🙂

    • Thank you too for your very sweet comment… 🙂
      It can be so hard at times, making me really angry with myself, because I know there are some things I am not capable of doing just because of my dysfunction.
      The feeling you don’t have any control is terrifying…

  3. waywardweed says:

    Hi QP,
    I agree your writing is exceptional, and for all your issues you have an understanding of what is happening in your brain. I don’t know what your therapist means by psychosis as a way to cope with reality. That sounds like a dichotomy, but perhaps s/he explained it to you better. Good luck with your “Library School.”

    • thank you 🙂
      Apparently slipping into psychosis is a way for my brain to deal with stress and outer pressure. I’m not sure myself if getting delusional counts as coping, but my therapist said I had to try to have a positive image of those things…

  4. You are amazing. Congratiulations. Your blog inspires me every time I drop by. Thank you,
    Portia xx

  5. Isleofmisfittoys says:

    Always stay positive, little one. 🙂 You are an amazing woman and capable of so much; your unwanted house-guest isn’t the end of things, merely a complication. Live your life as full as you can 🙂

    Library school will be fun…just think of all the naught fantasies you will inspire 😉 hahahah

    misfit

  6. 000 says:

    qp did you tried to analyze why delusions happens , how the way you think and process info. changes when you are stressed or depressed before the delusion ?

    • It is very strange… I can feel it coming a little bit; a gradual increase in the noise I hear in my head, up to the point where I simply can’t think anymore. I feel like a hunted animal, scared, paranoid. And then I black out.
      Before I got committed I was (apparently) in a manic episode, and when delusion struck me it was like all of a sudden my battery was empty…

  7. While there may be no cure, I believe under the right conditions it could be somewhat controlled. I understand the stress part, and stress should be avoided at all times be it sick or not, but also with love and the feeling of secure, and someone who is willing to deal and help when something happens. Just my thoughts, shrugs I do not have a PHD, but I have lived with someone with almost the same condition

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