I broke… On running and cowardice.

After months, and I really mean months, of not even the tiniest little cut, I broke down and cut my upper left arm all the way from shoulder bone to halfway my elbow.

It’s a long story, but to put a long story short:
I couldn’t take the pressure once more. My mother… She was as usual, her usual self. She said “Do you want to know why I don’t want to make things easy on you?”
Without waiting for answer she continued:
“Do you think someone looked after me when my father died? I was all on my own, my mother succumbed in her sadness, and do you think I wasn’t scared? That I wasn’t lonely and afraid and confused? That those psychiatrists don’t start about your “psychological suffering”, because you have no idea what that is, suffering. No idea! No one ever cared for me, no one ever made it easy on me. But I had to go on. I wasn’t a strong person, don’t you dare say that! Don’t you dare diminish the effort and amount of pain I felt by saying that. I was forced to be strong, I had no choice! Do you think I wouldn’t like to say “Oh, I’m so tired, I’m so sad, I’m disappointed in life, please take it away from me”? Well? There is nothing happy in my life. I don’t look forward to anything anymore. Not anything, and guess who’s to blame for that! If there was even a sparkle of happiness and stability in my life, you managed to wreck that fairly well, just as you’ve always done, ever since you were a little kid and you peed your pants again because you couldn’t stand me giving attention to your siblings.  I know they say you shouldn’t be put in stressful situations, but hey, I’m only human! There’s only so much one can ask of someone else! I’m tired of you and your ‘trouble’. It’s time you get over it. Your problem is not in proportion to what actually happened.”

I tend to have a very filmic memory for conversations like that. I have a whole mental movie database like that, hundreds of different conversations that all say the same. I can recall them any time I want. Most of the time I recall them on times I don’t want it.

I am scared… in a way… And ashamed, because stopping to cut was kind of the only good thing that happened when I left the madhouse. I am also in doubt. I am weak. And a coward. I run away from my problems; every time my mother starts to talk to me I dissociate or run out of the house. “I can’t help it”, that’s easy to say. I am weak, that’s why I run. I thought about going back to the madhouse… but that would yet again be another escapade of running away… I don’t know what I have to do. I can’t blame anyone but me for my own shit…

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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12 Responses to I broke… On running and cowardice.

  1. I am not going to click “Like” in that I don’t like reading this. But I do like you very much and hope you find some peace.

  2. tteclod says:

    Find a friend who likes to hug and touch. Strange as it seems, that may satisfy the urge to cut.

    And get out of that woman’s home. I know that leaving home was the best thing I ever did.

  3. Isleofmisfittoys says:

    oh, little one…my heart weeps at your pain.

    First, you are not a coward, nor a bad person in any manner of the meaning. Your courage at dealing with all the unfortunate things that are twisting your life around shines through whenever you reach out and share your life with us. You are not weak, QP.

    I do not know what all happened to hurt you, but no one can arbitrarily assume to know just how much pain is left from the wounds, nor discount your pain simply because they have felt some too. You are not responsible for your mother’s anger, nor did you rob her of the ‘sparkle of happiness’, and for her to place that blame at your feet is unfair in the worst way.

    The cutting….I understand the need sometimes, little one. Something visceral to draw everything in….make it a pain that can be rationalized and understood. But it is not good for us, little one. Have you tried avoidance techniques (or to appeal to your inner scientist, Cognitive behavioral programming)? Get yourself a fat rubber band and wear it around your wrist. When you start to feel the ‘need’, that dark beast clamoring for release, snapping the rubber band can help…gives a sting, but no permanent harm. There is more, but start small….I call it winning by half inches. A half inch forward is still forward 🙂

    You are a good person, QP, and you have friends out here who care about you. Don’t be so hard on yourself…I know, easier said than done…but we are always our own worst critic. When you start to play those negative mental films, remember the positive things you have done. I know you have made my life more interesting and tolerable in a terrible place; your posts are a smile for me (nearly) every time. Reach out whenever you need us, little QP. 🙂


    • You have no idea how much your words mean to me… Sometimes it’s hard to see the use and value of things, and comments like yours, that make me feel there is someone out there… they help. So thank you. Thank you very much…
      I’m happy if I can brighten your day a bit. Truly happy. *huggles*

      • Isleofmisfittoys says:

        There is always value, QP, always light when things seem dark. Overcome, endure and smile; things will get better. 🙂

        Check out something called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), little one. It’s all about reprogramming your autonomic nervous system responses to stress and offers some great alternatives to self harm (I personally use the workout when stressed one 🙂 ).

        Huggles? hahaha I’m afraid I’m not entirely familiar with that one… 🙂 assuming its a hug/snuggle? either way, as long as it comes with a teddy bear, I’m good 😀 hahahah.


      • huggling is the answer to everything that can’t be solves with hugging, cuddling or snuggling xD
        I will check that a out… Anything that can help me is a good thing… 🙂
        thanks again 😀

      • Isleofmisfittoys says:

        well then, I hereby pronounce it likeable and heretofore adopted into the halls of awesomeness 🙂 hahah

        just remember small steps, little QP. You don’t have to try to solve everything right now. Pic a few of the techniques they offer, and focus on making them work for you 🙂

        always a pleasure.

      • *huggles you tightly*
        I will try… As long as we’re going forward, we’re doing well…

  4. Don’t beat yourself up! Slips happen! Congratulate yourself on how far you made it without cutting! That’s an amazing achievement and I’m proud of you! I hope you can be to!! xoxo

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