So…
According to my therapist I’m having another psychosis. Or better, I’m just STILL having a psychosis, the same one this whole thing started with just hasn’t moved out. Wish I could put it up for adoption. Psychosis, anyone? Guess not.
I had a major breakdown yesterday. The voices bothered me more than usual, and all the time there was a static in my head, like… a broken TV. You know the sound. That to begin with. Then I had a talk with my parents. Basically I’m not allowed to be mad, hearing voices doesn’t exist, and then as the cherry on top my dad told me to my face my mere existence annoys him so much that each time he enters a room where I am his mood drops to zero at the sight of me. Yay.
I just ran out of the house, in the pouring rain, and I walked, walked, walked. I don’t quite remember where I’ve been, I just had to clear my head from the unbearable noise. I stayed away for an hour, my mother eventually found me on a walking trail in our neighborhood, completely off. She took me home, cleaned me, fed me pills and put me in bed.
I have to hide my problems better. I just don’t now how. It’s… It’s already a huge challenge to get up before noon, let alone being a happy, useful, cooperative, non-schizophrenic daughter. Any hints?
Love and psychosis,
QP
We're All Mad Inhere 
Ignore your dad, he’s a prick!
thanks… but it’s kind of hard when you share a house and he pays for everything…
Yeah I see why it would be hard. Take Care
thanks 🙂
That’s heart retching. So sorry to read that the reality you are forced to live in doesn’t sound a whole lot different than the unreality “you” have no choice but to live in.
It is so hard at times to see the difference between real and un-real… sometimes I wonder if there is a difference… Doesn’t everyone have their own reality, in a way? Isn’t it simply because the majority of people have similar realities that people like me are the odd ones out?
I have always maintained and adamantly believed that “normal” is merely an acronym for “majority”. To put this in perspective, if I were to visit the asylum you were in I would be the abnormal one in that I would be in the minority as far as psychological behavior.
Being a Dominant most certainly puts me in the same category, but I just hide in plain sight among the vanilla majority. But in the organizational vantage point I am extremely abnormal.
Somewhere my doll Leigh just nodded her head vigorously 😀
A writer once said “in a mad world, only the mad are sane”…
I think I can only agree…
I wanted to write something here the other day, but I was literally at a loss for words. I am incredibly sorry for the situation you find yourself in, and am both wishing to toss hugs around like candy from a parade float in an effort to make everyone feel better, and wishing to deliver a thrashing to anyone that would prey on a person weaker than them. Nothing makes me angrier than that…especially when it is from a parent (maybe my own damage shining through on that one).
I am sorry that your parents won’t accept the place you are right now. Wish there was more to do, but as I am only a warrior in the aether right now, all I have is words, so we’ll go with that. My grandfather told me something once, that I try to keep solidly in my mind. Loosely translated, “Overcome what you can, endure what you can’t”.
Keep your chin up little QP.
misfit
Thank you…
Thank you so much for your kind words. They really make me feel better, and it makes me happy to know there are people out there who actually care.
My parents aren’t bad people, I believe. They are just human, and they’re always honest. When they say things that hurt me, it’s probably because it’s true, otherwise it wouldn’t hurt. They’re having big difficulties themselves since my problem “popped up” and I guess I’m the one to blame indeed…
In all our dynamics, our dealings with one another, there exists a fallacy that a relationship is 50-50, give and take…that each person gives and receives equally. That percentage fluctuates as each person’s needs change; sometimes you can give more, and sometimes you need more. Right now, due to no fault of your own (self blame isn’t good for you, little one; avoid that trap) you find yourself needing more than you can give. I don’t doubt that your parents are good people, or that they love you the best they know how. That said, a parent has a responsibility towards their children to support and love them no matter the circumstances, regardless of what pains and difficulties result.
My damage is emotional, but one of my younger brothers experienced something very similar to what you find yourself in. My mother made every effort to get him the treatment he needed, but his father refused to even admit there was a problem that needed treatment. As they were divorced, my brother went to live with his dad, and his life disintegrated. Thankfully, he met a girl that saw the positive in his being, and has kept him stable and on his meds since then. Rambling, I know, but I think my point is that right now you need unconditional love and support, not judgement. You didn’t choose this change, and it’s obvious from your writings that you don’t like it, or want it. I cannot help but remembering how little I could do to help my brother, as my contact with him was nearly impossible to maintain; this time however, yay for the internet!
Remember you have friends out here in the aether, and smile. We’re never as alone as we feel. 🙂
misfit
In my mother’s opinion I have used up all the credit I had and it’s time for me to start giving back…
I’m sorry about your brother… I know how hard it is to stay in contact with the world and the people around you when you have a problem like that.
I think love comes in many forms and varieties. Perhaps my parents just don’t know how to show their love any other way…
Thank you again for your lovely words.I’ll keep the smile in mind 🙂
QP
There is not limit to love, little one, just patience. I am sure they love you very much, and just wish they could do more. Sounds like they are falling back on their own defense mechanisms…hopefully things will get better for you. 🙂
till then, smile. you are not a bad person, just a woman in a difficult situation. 🙂 overcome, endure hahahah…peanut butter m&m’s help too 🙂
misfit
I will smile…
This morning it was on the radio; “Always look on the bright side of life”… 😀
Peanut butter m&m’s… gosh… deeeliiicious…