It is me again. I have only recently (an hour ago?) woken up after involuntarily sedation, which occurred after three days of no sleep at all (and no desire to sleep either)… I feel awful. And I am wondering, about many things.
I have to get my life back on track somehow, and even I know that making it a sequence of manic/psychotic episodes alternating with depressed/sedated episodes is not the way to do it. Not to mention the hallucinating, hearing voices and Algebra Attacks… Not that I do it on purpose -which seems to be the common opinion in my family- but still. My meds are supposed to control the psychotic tendencies, which they do, but they also caused me a dyskinesia in my right leg, make me lose my hair, and cause narcoleptic events on random moments. Not nice.
The point is this: I want to get back to life. I want to study again in September, I want to earn myself some money, I want to be able to do things again. Right now I feel I’m always either too exhausted (propranolol, among others -not to mention Seroquel-) or too off (just me myself and I) to do something useful.
My family isn’t really helping either. My mother means best, she is a delightful woman… but the events have made her stressed up to the utter limit and she just can’t take my behavior. I understand, she’s only human as well, but she’s putting a hell lot of pressure on me.
I haven’t cut myself in quite some time now -to add a positive note to this epic of malcontent- but no one has noticed except for myself. I hate it that everyone seems to think it is the most normal thing in the world that I don’t cut, even though I used to cut forty times a day earlier and it still costs me an awful effort every day not to restart.
Everyone has given up on me. They all believe I will never become someone, I will never reach anything, I will never graduate and I will never live on my own, I will never have a real job and I will never have a family. Their expectations of me have gained a hue of despair for they don’t believe I can do anything anyway. They think it’s a hopeless case.
It’s terribly painful to be such a disappointment to people. I can say a thousand times I’m not that attached to my family, and that is true, but their disapproval and disappointment hurts me still.