Psychosis, Parents and Pain

Hello everyone,

It is me again. I have only recently (an hour ago?) woken up after involuntarily sedation, which occurred after three days of no sleep at all (and no desire to sleep either)… I feel awful. And I am wondering, about many things.

I have to get my life back on track somehow, and even I know that making it a sequence of manic/psychotic episodes alternating with depressed/sedated episodes is not the way to do it. Not to mention the hallucinating, hearing voices and Algebra Attacks… Not that I do it on purpose -which seems to be the common opinion in my family- but still. My meds are supposed to control the psychotic tendencies, which they do, but they also caused me a dyskinesia in my right leg, make me lose my hair, and cause narcoleptic events on random moments. Not nice.

The point is this: I want to get back to life. I want to study again in September, I want to earn myself some money, I want to be able to do things again. Right now I feel I’m always either too exhausted (propranolol, among others -not to mention Seroquel-) or too off (just me myself and I) to do something useful.

My family isn’t really helping either. My mother means best, she is a delightful woman… but the events have made her stressed up to the utter limit and she just can’t take my behavior. I understand, she’s only human as well, but she’s putting a hell lot of pressure on me.

I haven’t cut myself in quite some time now -to add a positive note to this epic of malcontent- but no one has noticed except for myself. I hate it that everyone seems to think it is the most normal thing in the world that I don’t cut, even though I used to cut forty times a day earlier and it still costs me an awful effort every day not to restart.

Everyone has given up on me. They all believe I will never become someone, I will never reach anything, I will never graduate and I will never live on my own, I will never have a real job and I will never have a family. Their expectations of me have gained a hue of despair for they don’t believe I can do anything anyway. They think it’s a hopeless case.

It’s terribly painful to be such a disappointment to people. I can say a thousand times I’m not that attached to my family, and that is true, but their disapproval and disappointment hurts me still.

Love, QP

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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11 Responses to Psychosis, Parents and Pain

  1. You are SO talented and creative, you can and will do GREAT things!!! Good for you with not injuring. That is a huge step! I know how hard that can be. I really am happy for you. You are on your way. One step at a time. Not everyone has given up on you;) TMS

  2. waywardweed says:

    That’s sad, what you write. My older son has been sick a long time. I love him, but, to be honest, I don’t expect him to ever live a “normal” life. Our relationship has suffered because I helped to have him committed to a state hospital two years ago. He was in for seven weeks. He lives independetly but with a lot of support. He joined Mensa at fourteen, but he has never worked and doesn’t want to. As a result of his illness, I have become extremely depressed and have been hospitalized many times. Mental illness takes it’s toll on the whole family as you alluded to. I hope you will one of those people who can overcome the obstacles and soar.

    • I see how my illness puts a strain on my parents and siblings… During my admission I have seen how my parents both suffered under the fact I was there and they couldn’t give me what I needed themselves.
      Later on there was the anger and disappointment, especially from my mother’s side. She is deeply depressed by the whole situation, and also very annoyed. People think it’s her fault and that makes her angry -with me- and she also thinks “she didn’t deserve what happened” because she always was a good mom. Therefor I am the one to take the blame; I “made myself ill”.
      Under that is also sadness because I’m still her daughter and she has given up hope -which is, as you may know, a painful thing to do for a parent- and also (since schizophrenia comes from her side of the family) a slight sense of guilt.
      I don’t want to hurt my family, they are dear to me and I am grateful for all they did and do for me.
      I am sure your son also loves you, even though the situation often makes it hard to express that. Children love their parents, because deep down they know the things parents do for them are everything but self-evident.
      I wish you all the best, and thank you for your comment.
      Love, QP

  3. I haven’t given up on you!!! I know I’m far away but I’ll do what I can from my computer!!!

  4. The thing is . . . you have to be who you are, not anyone else. And if who you are wants to do the things you listed (ie study again in September, earn some money, and so on) then there’s a who in there that can probably do it. But it’s scary, easy to get sidetracked and logical to feel guilty if you don’t do it, and if you don’t please people and . . . . well, you know. Doing the first thing that you want to do, in the shadow of a wall that wants to stop you, is one of the bravest, most difficult things ever. I know. I think you’re amazing.

  5. What you had to say about cutting yourself struck a bit of a chord with me. I’ve had my own problems in the past, and I’ve gone through periods when I found it tough to get up in the morning (rather than just moping in bed for two or three hours) or getting out to meet with friends, so on days when I did what was normal for other people I felt pretty good about myself.

    From reading your blog you’re clearly an intelligent person that some things come easier to than other people, so it’s a matter of achieving what’s a high standard for yourself personally.

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