This post is about trust, more specifically about the ability to trust someone. In all my romantic relationships I was the dominant one. It’s in (part of) my nature I think, even though my mental condition often makes me doubt this nature. I am sadist and I like to play with people, but I am also very mistrusting and paranoid. A relation was never more to me than a way to experiment and play around, to distract me a bit, an opportunity to express my urge to dominate.
The point is that this, however enjoyable and interesting, never really satisfied me. Lately I have gotten into a relationship with a young man; a lovable, good-natured, slightly damaged specimen of the male kind (I attract slightly to very damaged specimen…). And I love him; at least, I think I do. My condition -again- makes it hard to distinguish those feelings. I feel a certain affection for him, and I am physically attracted to him too. So far so good, you’d think.
I am incapable of trusting people. That includes this young man. It’s not that I don’t tell him about me, about my past, about what happened,… no. I do tell him stuff about me. But inside me there’s like… a barrier, an artificial distance that makes sure I don’t trust him. This allows me to maintain a dominant position… But it is also… painful.
He is pessimist and damaged in nature, inside of him there seems to be a deeply hidden despair that makes everything he says and does gain a certain gloom. It is intriguingly attractive. He adores me. As in; calling in the morning to wake me up, sending texts throughout the day, sending me flowers, reading me Alice in Wonderland when I’m hallucinating,… I really believe I love him.
But inside of me there always is that distance. That something that keeps saying “perhaps he’s all playing this, perhaps he’s making it all up so he can dump you more painfully, perhaps he’s only making fun of you, perhaps he’s just experimenting, perhaps he sees you as an object,…”
It’s inside of me. And it hurts. Because even when I am close to him, skin to skin, I feel that distance. I don’t know what’s causing it, but it hurts…