It has been long since the last time I wrote a love letter. I’m not even sure if I still know how to do it. We don’t often express sentiment and drama, so it’s hard to capture what I feel in the kind of words a love letter requires. My heart doesn’t burn when I see you, neither does it cringe or jump. My heart is a mere muscle; devoid of the romantic sensations poets tend to ascribe to it.
I am bad at these things; I know I have to compare you to things that are unbelievable in beauty and excellence, I know I should describe how I incinerate and turn to mere ashes when the thought of you crosses my mind. I can’t.
What use is it to compare you to something off scale, making true requital impossible? I have been there, and it did not please me. We live at the height of our eyes, somewhere between the atoms and the stars. I used to loathe that simple fact…
But at the height of my eyes, I meet yours. And that outshines all disadvantages that come with the human frame of reference. At the height of my eyes I find something worth more than idolization… I find the simple pleasure of loving someone at the same height, the same frame, the same scale. I find you.
So no, on the account of physical symptoms my love for you is not the Ebola of lovesickness. But I love you. Not an idealized and idolised version of you that only exists in my mind, but you.
I am aware we don’t start off with the best of odds; if this were a game I wouldn’t bet on it… I have played different scenarios in my mind; I have mentally drenched us in disaster. Would we survive the worst? Would “us” survive the worst?
Then I realized it doesn’t matter. We only have now. We only have the moment. What happens happens. Do I have hope? Maybe. Hope is not the belief it will get better of stay good in the future. Hope is being aware of every car that did not run you over, every bullet that didn’t hit you, every unfortunate event that didn’t occur. Hope is the knowledge that not all bad things happen to you.
So yes, I have hope. I hope, because I believe not all misfortune is on our way. Even though we can’t tell the future I believe we have a chance. I believe nothing is meant to fail, so neither are we. I believe in you. That all is a whole lot to believe in for a mistrusting and paranoid person like me… But I still do.
I love you, my dearest.