I have left the madhouse. My parents simply called and said they couldn’t bear having me there another day, and then they came to get me with all my stuff. Apart from the fact I’m twitchy as hell, I’m still on a bucketload of pills and I still regularly black out, they decided I would be better off with doing simple household chores than with “real” therapy. The psychiatrists were panicking… given the fact their advice was a six month inpatient stay in an intensive therapy department for schizoid personality dysfunctions…
Now my days are not only empty and boring, but also stressed up, because I always have to keep my guard up…
I guess I’ll thank my parents for this later -the life I led in the madhouse was exactly the kind of easy “no expectations” life I’d love to indulge in for the rest of my days, so I probably wouldn’t ever have left it by myself- but for now it’s quite a challenging thing. The pressure is sometimes simply unbearable, and living with my family means… Well, my mother put it this way:
“You should be grateful we saved you from that place, otherwise you would have been there for years. No one expected anything of you there. Well, I expect things. I expect you leave that crazy nonsense behind and start acting like a normal person, just like everyone else. There is no reason at all to behave like that when you’re part of a loving family like ours.”
And it went on like that for a little while. Now I’m on my own to cope with whatever this unnamable mental illness is that I suffer from. Well, not entirely on my own, there’ll be the household therapy, and my mother arranged me to see a psycho-analyst from time to time, but still. I don’t know if I can take this. It’s so fucking hard to pretend normality when you feel dissociated/tired of life/angry for no reason/like cutting yourself/…
When I compare the madhouse with my family I realize the mental institution looks “normal” in comparison to my house. At least, less psychotic/stressed up/irrational/loud/overstimulating/ridiculous/… than my family. Is that pathetic or simply a normal side effect of staying in a psychiatric clinic?
Really… I could use some advice on how to cope with my shit in a house full of noisy people and sharp knives…
Get hobbies! Volunteer, try something new! I find the busier I am the happier I am! Responsibility has been a great thing for me! Good luck on the outside!
to me, responsibility is awful… the more responsible I have to be, the twitchier and more unstable I get. I already have trouble being responsible just for myself, let alone for anything/anyone else…
That probably sounds childish, and I’m aware of that, but I can’t help it. I have tried “living the normal life” and I ended up even worse than I was in the beginning.
I never said live the normal life lol my hobbies, what made me happy, just happen to come with responsibilities. If I really look at my life I’ve set it up so I receive a lot of praise for my work which just serves to validate that I’m worth something 😛 I’m also the kind of person that just forces myself to do stuff because I know if I don’t I’ll fall. You gotta feel things out though. Find what works for you.
I might get into volunteer work… My mother says it would be good for me to “see real suffering” so I learn to moderate the importance of my own trouble.
Getting compliments and thank you’s from people you help must indeed be a very rewarding thing, I can imagine…
Different types of suffering! Ugh
yeah… People can be so damn ignorant…
Did you write that post or did I? I swear you stole those words from me and my mother. Sorry you are having to deal with that, but I am happy to hear that you are out of the hospital. I hope things will get better soon. You are so talented, the right thing is waiting out there for you. Hopefully you can find some little distractions from the bad thoughts and family in the meantime. Not surprisingly I try to use photography when I feel that way, and I know you must be great at it too, as well as many things. I will take my camera and go for little photo walks outside, or around the house, or even just around my room if I can’t bring myself to leave.
I hope your twitches get better, and that you can start to emerge from your family cave. That can’t be easy. I’m here if you ever want to write or anything.
Sending warmest wishes.
thank you very much for your support 🙂
You have no idea how pleasant it is to read such friendly words… *hugs*
My family… ah well, I love my family. But they don’t understand, and I guess they never will, so that makes things a lot harder on me…
I love photography too… only I don’t own a camera, all I have is the webcam in my laptop… Going outside for making photo’s isn’t in it for me, but I sure will continue to shoot little things that make me wonder. It is indeed a great way to ease your mind.
Good luck with being on the ‘outside’.
‘Everyone else’ also finds it harder to be with close people who are emotionally involved in you, than with polite and friendly strangers who are not. (on a change of environment you describe)
like my mum wld say;” whoever says they are not mad is indeed mad.Those are the ones we should avoid.” Thank god im mad *hugs hugs, just be urself and smile at those who cant understand you. After all, the most challenging a person can be, the more fun the person is. 🙂