Love Letters

My Love,

 It has been a long time now. All this time we didn’t speak. You left our house, the room we decorated together, as was it a doomed corner of hell, simply stuffed some belongings in a bag and left. You don’t fool me; I know where you are.

I know it very well.

 This letter is not a threat, my Love. I love you too much to threaten you. One day I will hold you in my arms again and everything will be good. I can only wait for that day to come. If we had certainty, none of this would have happened… but we don’t. But, my Love, we have time. And given enough time… everything is possible.

So I wait. I wait for you. I give you time.

Yours sincerely,

Your Beloved.

My Beloved,

They say time heals all wounds… but maybe I’m not injured. Maybe the pain is the pleasure; maybe the hate and the love reside in the same place and project to the same person. I am unstable. I could easily draw parallels with you and your life and your ways. I choose not to.

Your love… your love is the one thing I cannot exist without. But even so is your love the one thing I cannot handle, the one thing that breaks through my defences and devours me whole.

I love you… But maybe love is a bad thing. Maybe I must learn not to love you. Maybe I must stop loving… and start living?

I am confused.

Ultimately yours,

Your Love

My Love,

My heart jumps up when I read your words and mentally hear your soft voice think them, and it breaks in pain when their meaning becomes clear to me. Why, my Love, why would you stop loving me?  Everything around you tells me the same tale, of nights in which you cry and suffer and I can’t come close to you. I love you. I don’t want to see you in pain, I want to hold you and kiss the tears from your cheeks until you smile again.

I will never stop loving you. As long as there are stars in the sky and the light still travels to this godforsaken hole of a heart, as long as there is time, I will love you.

Everywhere around you, I will be.

Every single touch of a raindrop on the ground, it is a tear from my eyes. Every time the wind rustles through your hair, it is my caress. Every time you stand on the tips of your toes and long to fall… it is me who keeps you balanced. I love you.

No day will pass without you in my mind. And I have time. Time is all I have, all I have left. So I wait, until the day you return to me.

Yours sincerely,

Your Beloved

My Beloved,

Why do you torture me? Why do you remind me of the pain I endure by not being with you? How do you dare claim you don’t want to see me in pain, when all you do is reminding me of your ubiquity in my world?

You assert that the nights I cry hurt you, but no sign of mercy is to be read in your letters. Not even between the lines, all I find is malicious delight and gloating. You loved my pain. You don’t care about the harm you cause me. All you care about is your own satisfaction.

There is no place where I can find peace as long as I’m alive. You may have time, but I don’t. I have no place to hide from you, to escape the sound of your laughter and the look of unholy glee on your beautiful face. I am doomed, destined to live this half-life, this parody of existence, because of you. As long as you exist, I will suffer.

Ultimately yours,

Your Love

My Love,

It is not me who condemns you. You are your own judge, your own enemy. I will not deny I find a certain pleasure in your cries; I have never been a hypocrite. Unlike most of humanity, I do not cherish the idea of pretentiousness. Your pain is indeed an aphrodisiac, the strongest one possible. The power to make you cry in both horror and ecstasy, to see the ardour in your eyes as our lips touch and my nails find your untouched skin…

I do not deny it brings me pleasure. Our love is ambiguous, I know.

But even though the pain I cause you brought me excitement, the despair in your words makes me cry. Your sadness cuts my veins, my Love, can’t you see I suffer too?

I want to hold you close to me and make you feel safe and loved. Wrap my arms around you and comfort you. And shut the world outside. No one will threaten you. I will protect you. Always. Even though time is all I have… it is enough.  I can wait.

Yours sincerely,

Your Beloved

My Beloved,

I long for time to pass, I count the second to the day death will wrap his cloaks around me and relieve me from this ordeal. I spend my time open-handedly, hoping that I’ll soon have no more seconds left to pay the rent of this mortal body.

I am tired, my dear. I am tired of loving you; your love has worn me out. I have no more energy left, no more power to stand straight and face the trials of life. This is what you have caused me. This is what loving you did to me.

I miss you so much… My heart rips apart if only I remember your smile… But my memory deceives me, I know you too well. I have no choice but to leave you, and settle for this imitation of life. Loving you would kill me. Leaving you… leaving you only destroys me.

As you wait… I wait. We both wait, and our waiting will end simultaneously. What means time to my dying soul in the nature of the universe?  I love you…

Every time the people talk to me about you, and how you are bad for me, and how I overestimated my capacities, I get so angry… I love you. I love you and I love the pain you cause me, I love the harm for it challenges me! And then I cry. For I love you, and I know they are right. I can’t handle your love.

Ultimately yours,

Your Love

My Love,

How my anger burns when I read your words is beyond description. How can my love be bad for you? I don’t understand it… Haven’t I saved you many times? It was me who found you when you were near death. I pulled you up and healed you, dressed you and named you! How can they say I am bad for you?

 I cry bitter tears when I think of the harm I caused you, my precious…

 I will fight death and demise for you… Our voices are internally in sync, counting the seconds of an undetermined countdown. Is the wait part of the joy? If it is, I don’t feel it.  I promise you this. The last one to hold you before death gets to lay his greedy hands on you will be me. Me and no one else. I love you forever.

Yours sincerely,

Your Beloved

 My Beloved,

Why do you make this so hard on me? I can’t hold on to what is a mere memory… But you are surrounding me, your voice resounds in every sound I make and your touch is in every single thing I feel. I can’t go on like this anymore…

Why can’t I just forget you? Why do I have to remember the sweet taste of your kiss when I can’t feel it anymore? If it’s not you who kills me, it will be the remnant of you, the teasing memories. My days here are empty without you, and not infrequently my thoughts wander off to where you reside…

All my questions are in vain, for I know you won’t answer them. It’s a fact, a law, a function… It is you and I and nothing else. I miss you. I hate that I miss you. I love you. I hate that I love you.

Ultimately yours,

Your Love

My Love,

I read your words and imagine hearing your voice whisper them softly in my ears. Oh, the happiness… I want to soothe your anger, but I can’t find any word that would do. Why do you keep rejecting me? I can feel your longing, your inner need… Why do you deny what is inside you? I promise I will be careful this time… I will hold you and make sure you’re perfectly comfortable in my arms. 

You say you can’t bear loving me… But you love me now, don’t you? You love me; at least that’s what you told me. Don’t lie to me. Tell me if you don’t love me anymore, so I know I am waiting for something that will never happen. And even then I will never lose hope… for time is all I have, when I don’t have you with me. Maybe I was too harsh on you… But I love you, I still do. I always will.

Yours sincerely,

Your Beloved

My Beloved,

I didn’t love you from the very beginning. I didn’t love you from the start. I even hated you, for I didn’t understand your ways and your actions caused me nothing but pain and trouble. I was young and foolish; I didn’t understand the true value of things, I didn’t see how you were testing me. But despite my reluctance to listen to you, you saved me from a destiny worse than death.

You held me when I cried and you comforted me when I was scared. Standing by your side, holding your hand, the world became a safer place, a beautiful place even. I learned to love you… loved you beyond words. I still do.

Why do I remember these things? They are the memories with soft corners, the ones that get a little hazy around the edges. They are the memories that aren’t coloured red by the pain you caused me.

I need to remember them, even though they make me cry. I need to cry. I understand so much now. I love you. I still love you.

Ultimately yours,

Your Love

 

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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