Diagnosis@TheMadhouse

Hi there.

So I’m pissed. Severely, seriously pissed. And disappointed. And confused. VERY confused.
I got my diagnosis.
Or better: I didn’t.

I am nothing.
There is NO FUCKING TERM TO APPLY TO ME!!!!!!
WHYYYYYYYYYYYY??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The psychiatrist has been fuzzing a bit about a fundamental identity crisis and stuff, but she said I wasn’t schizoid enough for real Schizophrenia, I wasn’t twitchy enough for Bipolar, I wasn’t split enough for DID,… and generally too young to speak of a personality disorder. With other words: there is no term for it.
AAAARGH!!!!!

I get the feeling they suddenly don’t take me seriously. As if they’re doing it on fucking purpose to confuse me even MORE!

I have lost everything I care for (meaning; physics and math), I take LOADS of fucking pills, I have to restrain myself to the absolute maximum not to invade my neighbors room and steal her razor, and this just makes me feel as if I’m all making it up, you know? As if it’s all my imagination and actually I’m just another stupid puberal girl. I want to cry. I seriously want to cry.

It feels as if all the effort I did filling in all those fucking tests and all those fucking questionnaires didn’t count the least. As if it was all for nothing, literally.

I know many people would say “ah well, no term, so there’s nothing wrong with you.”. But there IS something wrong with me! I feel so fucked up and now they’re just gonna expect all the same shit as I did before from me over again.

I HATE IT! I hate it so much and it makes me want to cry and scream and bang my head into the walls. I want to know what is happening to me.

At least it’s not autism. She said there were no criteria for autism, ASS or Asperger. So I’m safe on that account. I told you once everything would be better than autism? Right. Everything that HAS A FUCKING NAME!!!!!!!

Why didn’t they give me a fucking term to apply to me so I could look it up online and START MAKING FUCKING PLANS FOR MY FURTHER LIFE!? How am I supposed to have an idea of what’s coming for me if they can’t even tell me what it’s called? I mean, how must I know if I’m capable of studying, how must I know if I can live on my own one day, how must I know if I can have normal relationships with people, tell me? I just float in nothingness. I’m sick, but no one takes me seriously. I have to become functional again somehow, but I feel so screwed up I can’t imagine I will ever function again. And it seems they don’t see a reason why I shouldn’t be functional…

It is what it is? Hell yeah. It’s just the thing deep down I knew all along. I am nothing.

Greetings and goodbye, my friends.
(Nothing)

About quantumphysica

My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93. Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know... I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling... I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever. And I make lists of things...
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28 Responses to Diagnosis@TheMadhouse

  1. Verity says:

    You know, Psychiatry is subjective – what does a “label” really mean? No two people present with the same symptoms, and no two psychiatrists come to the same conclusion. If you’re desperate for a “label” go and get a second opinion’ BUT your “illness” does NOT define who you are. We are all human beings struggling along in a confusing world. I understand that you want definitive answers, but I don’t think there are any. Then again, you’re a physicist, I’m a philosopher ….

    • It’s just…
      It seems as if they don’t take my problem seriously, just because I’m only 17. They literally told me “we can’t call it a personality disorder because you’re under 18.” As if those fucking 5 months make that much of a difference!?
      I’m not desperate for any type of label, I just feel no one will ever take my feelings seriously without one. Myself most of all. I’m already starting to think I’m just imagining it all, that it’s all just in my head.
      I had more than one “second opinion”. I have spoken to three psychiatrists and six psychologists. I have filled in thousands of stupid questions. You would think they can say at least something, right?
      I am nothing. I need something external to shape me and to give me solid ground. So to me, a decent diagnosis would have been that exactly: a surrogate for physics to bring my life back into shape a bit.
      But now they say “you seem to have characteristics of a lot of things, but not enough to give it a name.” So I’m left with nothing once again…

  2. Amy says:

    I’m sorry to hear there isn’t a definitive diagnosis for you. Unfortunately, Psychiatry is the one aspect of medicine that is subjective and not objective. (This is why I don’t like psychiatry) As someone who’s currently rotating through the specialty, I’ve been told that the mind is so complex and every presentation (and response to treatment) is so different that a definitive diagnosis cannot always be made. But please don’t think of it as if they aren’t taking you seriously. They aren’t any less aware that you’re unwell and having a term to describe your illness does not mean that they’re going to say that there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re symptoms are real and you’re not nothing.

    • Thanks a lot…
      Sometimes I just think it would be easier to have a real, definite diagnosis, not only for myself, but also for my family. Now they just have to cope with me and my paranoia, moodswings, dissociations, cutting urge and voice-hearing, without having any sight on what is causing it or what can be done about it…
      I will go into therapy soon, I know that… Probably for a few months…
      thanks again for the support 😉

      • Amy says:

        I so wish psychiatry could be somewhat more objective but it’s too difficult to classify and organize no matter how hard they try. I think it’s just as frustrating for the doctors who can’t make the diagnosis as it is for the patient who’s waited so long to find one. But it’s not the diagnosis that makes you who you are and how you should be dealt with by others, after all, there can be a terrible stigma associated with a diagnosis. Whatever the case may be, you should be able to get the help you need. I hope therapy proves to be somewhat insightful and goes in a positive direction for you! Keep your thoughts positive! 🙂

  3. Jaen Wirefly says:

    Show this to your psychiatrist:
    http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/blog/events/2012-winter-call-in-series/

    Listen to this program:
    March 4, 2012 – Andrew Chanen
    Early detection and timely intervention for borderline personality disorder in young people

  4. anthonytadic says:

    Cheer up kid, you’ve just gotten your foot in the door, expect more bullshit along the way. be strong, stay true to yourself and ask them for psychanalysis so that you can be free 🙂
    sending my love

    • *hug*
      Thanks for the support…
      I’ll most likely be transferred to another department for strange and for the moment undefined therapy, for a few months… I guess it’ll be psychoanalysis… Don’t quite know what to expect from that though…

  5. anthonytadic says:

    psychoanalysis.

  6. I’ve had dreams of a psychiatrist telling me I have nothing! It’s quite the pain in the ass to go in smiling, being very polite, being myself basically and walking out with a label!! Makes no sense! But that is psychiatry for you. The other magical thing about psychiatry is that if you go to another doctor they’ll probably give you what they want….that’s basically their job.

    I agree with what a few here have said about psychoanalysis. Get into a therapy of some sort and see how it goes. And I also agree that having your foot in the door will open up more opportunities that can help you!

    Hope you feel better 🙂 *giant hug*

    • It did feel a bit like that; as if she said I had nothing, but at the same time she didn’t. She said I had characteristics of all sorts of things (the fact I hear voices and often think people follow me, the fact I dissociate, the fact I have giant moodswings, the fact I cut and somehow can’t find a way to stop doing that,…) But she couldn’t give it a name. It was very disappointing…
      It would be nice to “have nothing” if you’re feeling well, but I feel so awful that it was as if she said I was just faking it.
      I’ll be taking therapy in another department, a few months probably. I hope it’ll clear things out a bit…
      Thanks a lot for the support, it means a lot 😉
      It does make me feel a bit better 🙂

  7. Oh psychiatry can be a lot of bullshit, can’t it? I think you’re right that the age you’re at makes diagnosis tricky, most criteria are designed for ‘adults’ and use definitions on how long the problem has presented, so it can be a few years before anyone gives you an adequate label, and there aren’t always adequate descriptions for problems that span adolescence into adulthood, e.g. there’s technically no diagnosis for adult adhd, as if everyone with it is ‘cured’ as soon as they hit 18. I imagine you’re falling in a kind of ’emergent’ no man’s land. As others have said, this is really unsettling, but maybe it won’t make a lot of difference what label you get? It might not help you make sense of what you’re experiencing that much, you may need to come to some kind of understanding yourself. There can also be some benefit to got getting a ‘label’, as once you have one, accurate or not, they can be really hard to shift.

    • Okay, you certainly have a point there. Some labels can be a real pain, especially when they aren’t accurate and you’re still stuck with them. But in a certain sense, it also gives you sort of an “excuse” to feel bad. It sort of justifies a certain sort of behavior.
      I dissociate, I hear voices, I think people follow me around from time to time and I cut, but without a proper diagnosis it feels a bit as if it’s all just theatre and nonsense to them…

  8. You wouldn’t be getting the care you are getting and medication if they didn’t take you seriously at all. And what is a diagnosis really? It doesn’t change symptoms or anything. I’ve had at least least five (some “official” and some they just told me they thought it was), and everything is always the same. Sometimes they don’t want to label it because of insurance or other long term reasons. They started with less harsh diagnoses when I was a late teen too. I was most annoyed at first with my most recent diagnosis, Mood Disorder NOS, which means “not otherwise specific.” It means I cycle like bipolar but don’t fit exactly in 1 or 2. It seems these days they make catch-all diagnoses for people who don’t fit in a mold, maybe to make paperwork easier. Who knows. Your feelings and experiences are real, and as long as they are trying to help with those things, that is what counts. Feel good and hang in there.

  9. I can identify with the frustration that follows with being some sort of psychological anomaly. When I was in the hospital, I didn’t have enough one on one time with a psychiatrist to really lead me to a specific diagnosis. Months passed and I didn’t hear anything until I flippantly mentioned ‘dark thoughts.’ It was already noted that I had some sort of mood disorder due to the inopportune timing of being there (I checked in depressed and did a 180 about a day later). The most helpful tool I had was my journal. I wrote in it incessantly and was eventually able to share some things that were unique to one diagnosis.

  10. crazyboutmath says:

    *hugs* Everyone has already said everything, but I offer my internet-hugs.

  11. lookingforapurpose says:

    This is very depressing news 😦 I was hoping they were gonna tell you how much longer you were gonna be there or something useful. I hope they know they are just makeing you feel more messed up than they think you are. Cause their diagnosis of “nothing” is BS.

    *hugs*

  12. Servant says:

    I cannot speak for you & your particular problem, but I know that most people are *really* in quite a desperate condition. No jokes.

    “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? I the LORD search the heart.”

    People need an actual cure for this. They do have actual issues – many of them … and the general human condition isn’t a good one.

    Maybe that makes sense.

  13. Oh, Sweetie, you are NOT nothing!!!
    I understand the frustration of not have a name for something because then you don’t know what to do about it. 😦 But hang in there. I wish I had more to say to encourage you, and I’m sorry that I don’t. 😦 But I do believe that things will work out for you! 🙂

    • thanks for the support… The first days of confusion were hard, but now I know more about this so-called diagnosis. Apparently I have a fundamental identity disturbance, causing dissociation and my personality to split up…
      I wish there was a common name for it, but unfortunately there isn’t. But, see good in bad, no name means no specific stigma either, right?

  14. acennace says:

    I think part of the problem is that having a label carries a stigma and as essentially a medical practitioner, a psychiatrist may not want to cause any harms in that way. Being labeled as having a specific mental illness is not really what anyone wants at such a young age and having that label is debilitating in the society. As well as a patient with schizophrenia is controlled, the society will still consider him/her as a ‘nutter’ and the schizophrenia is carried on for life in the medical history.

    I’ve had a read of your blog and I’m very interested to see where this goes. Keep it up and hang in there.

  15. I know I’m a little bit behind here, but just wanted to post to say hang in there. From what I know, a lot of the time mental illnesses do present atypically, with different symptoms being more or less pronounced than in the ‘textbook’ definition of the disease.

    If it’s any consolation, you come across as a complicated and interesting person, so maybe the shrinks are just struggling to fit your personality into a box!

    • thank you so much 🙂
      A little support is always welcome, and it’s not that I have gone forward too much since that post…
      xD
      Perhaps I have to take their diagnosis-difficulties as a compliment then…

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