So I’m pissed. Severely, seriously pissed. And disappointed. And confused. VERY confused.
I got my diagnosis.
Or better: I didn’t.
I am nothing.
There is NO FUCKING TERM TO APPLY TO ME!!!!!!
The psychiatrist has been fuzzing a bit about a fundamental identity crisis and stuff, but she said I wasn’t schizoid enough for real Schizophrenia, I wasn’t twitchy enough for Bipolar, I wasn’t split enough for DID,… and generally too young to speak of a personality disorder. With other words: there is no term for it.
I get the feeling they suddenly don’t take me seriously. As if they’re doing it on fucking purpose to confuse me even MORE!
I have lost everything I care for (meaning; physics and math), I take LOADS of fucking pills, I have to restrain myself to the absolute maximum not to invade my neighbors room and steal her razor, and this just makes me feel as if I’m all making it up, you know? As if it’s all my imagination and actually I’m just another stupid puberal girl. I want to cry. I seriously want to cry.
It feels as if all the effort I did filling in all those fucking tests and all those fucking questionnaires didn’t count the least. As if it was all for nothing, literally.
I know many people would say “ah well, no term, so there’s nothing wrong with you.”. But there IS something wrong with me! I feel so fucked up and now they’re just gonna expect all the same shit as I did before from me over again.
I HATE IT! I hate it so much and it makes me want to cry and scream and bang my head into the walls. I want to know what is happening to me.
At least it’s not autism. She said there were no criteria for autism, ASS or Asperger. So I’m safe on that account. I told you once everything would be better than autism? Right. Everything that HAS A FUCKING NAME!!!!!!!
Why didn’t they give me a fucking term to apply to me so I could look it up online and START MAKING FUCKING PLANS FOR MY FURTHER LIFE!? How am I supposed to have an idea of what’s coming for me if they can’t even tell me what it’s called? I mean, how must I know if I’m capable of studying, how must I know if I can live on my own one day, how must I know if I can have normal relationships with people, tell me? I just float in nothingness. I’m sick, but no one takes me seriously. I have to become functional again somehow, but I feel so screwed up I can’t imagine I will ever function again. And it seems they don’t see a reason why I shouldn’t be functional…
It is what it is? Hell yeah. It’s just the thing deep down I knew all along. I am nothing.
Greetings and goodbye, my friends.