There are many things that start with an S; my name for example (officially) starts with it. Another word with S is Shame. I don’t feel ashamed for being in psychiatry. In all honesty, I like it here. Okay, I have to take pills and my life is rather boring… But I have met some of the most interesting people ever here, and I don’t have to pretend or hide anything. So I like it here. I have my own room, I have friends here, I can have visitors (and thank god they can’t stay too long) and I don’t have to worry about ANYTHING except for the good old me, myself, and I.
But still, Shame is an important S-word. Not my shame. Other people’s shame. Let me explain it to you. Today, I went to an exhibition on which my father -who makes sculptures- was exposing his work, together with my mother. It was fun, and I liked it… until I saw one of my old teachers. I thought “let’s say hi” and I wanted to go to her… and my mother pulled me back. She said “you know… you don’t have to talk to them, you know…” and I was like “But I want to talk to her” and then she frowned and she said “They will look at me. They will look at me and think, look that horrible mother, who thought her child was smart enough to study physics and totally pushed it over.” So I didn’t talk to any of the people I knew from the old days. Not anyone. I had never ever felt so isolated. It was all because of fucking altruism, because I wanted to spare my mother the shame. Yes.It was as if she found I should be ashamed of it, as if being mental is something embarrassing…
Another thing that I felt, that made me feel uncomfortable and also starts with S, is Scorn. People apparently look down on mental patients. HELLOOHOO?! I think 90% of human population can be considered disturbed if you would follow DSM IV to the letter! But still, it is a fact. Even when they don’t let it out, it is clear they think about it. How they judge me and my reactions fundamentally different. Is it my psychosis, or is everyone just fucking ignorant about what it’s like to be like this?
And then finally… Stigma. Psychiatry… it’s a stigma; I mean, how many jokes are there about crazy people? Almost as many as there are jokes about pedophiliac priests and national stereotypes. Nothing wrong with that, the moment you can’t have a laugh about yourself anymore you’re doing it wrong… but fact is, there is a certain Stereotype (see, another S-word!) involved here. My parents are worried to death about the stigma, not only about the general “crazy” stigma, but also the stigma of a certain diagnosis. I am not. But as I see it right now, I have only two options: shutting down all altruism (which I can’t, because my altruism has it’s basis in my manipulative controlling sadist-side, no matter how strange that may sound) or moving to another country, far away from my parents and everyone I knew before I ended up here… Or I could just stay here forever, have myself declared dangerous to society and never have to worry about it again (Sociopathic, another S-word!) But that doesn’t really count as an option, does it?
I need your opinions… be harsh. If you think I’m a living stereotype, please tell me.