I’m so fucking done with it all. Simply done. I am done with having to pretend I’m happy and cheerful while I feel like crap. I can’t make them shut up… I fucking can’t make them shut up. I hate this. I keep switching and I can’t make it stop… And I feel like something the cat threw up. I’m ranting. It all makes no sense, it’s all so fucking fucked up useless. I am done with it all. It never ever makes any sense to me; I’m not consistent with myself.
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About quantumphysica
My name is QuantumPhysica The Insane, but you can call me QP. I am insane, admitted to a mental hospital in Belgium, and waiting for a decent diagnosis at the moment. Once I was a physics student with goals in life and what more; now I'm simply the patient of Room 93.
Ever wondered what life is like in the psychiatric ward? I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know...
I am... particularly twitchy of personality. But I also am genuinely interested in everything. There is nothing that doesn't interest me, really. Everything, from quantum computers to fashion and cars to traveling...
I also give advice. On anything. No taboos whatsoever.
And I make lists of things...
You don’t have to pretend anymore. Just be who you are whenever you are. No need for pretense. Especially in the place you are right now. This may sound simple and understated but it really is true. Just be. That’s all that’s required.
Take care.
ppp
Thanks, really.
It’s hard at times… I have a rather twitchy personality, so twitchy it’s not even clear to myself anymore at times…
You build up a life for yourself… and while doing so, you start to pretend, you hide parts of yourself to hide your own instability, your own inconsistency. Being myself means tearing down the lot… right at the moment I need every support I can get. It’s an ambiguous situation that drives me even crazier than I already am…
Life isn’t that complicated after all – just stick with the basics. The basics. Boredom doesn’t help – also not the sense of lack of purpose and value in a place like that.
Here’s a radical idea… why not help them? They (everyone there) have problems too, listen to their problems & try help them … you may just be surprised.
It’s often hard helping them… I lack the energy for it at times…
But what you’re saying is true. I have noticed a certain commensalism between us patients. We help each other by listening and talking. And by organizing stuff, sharing things, switching plates when someone has a really gross diet…
It’s the way we fill our days. The psychiatric ward is a bit of a micro-society… It’s a different world, really.
I start to notice that when I go home for the weekend, I miss the ward… my house doesn’t feel like home anymore…
…I know the staff probably won’t share much with you, but I included them in that idea. They also have problems & challenges, and I appreciate you don’t have the energy to think about helping others sometimes – but helping others may just give you more than you expect out of it… but I can’t really understand your position – I’m just saying ‘maybe’.
Also, I somehow think the mind isn’t built for focussing inwards – it seems to get tied up in knots in that way. Maybe ask the staff also how they are doing etc & maybe they would share more over time. I can think of two examples where people rose to unprecedented heights in the most unlikely circumstances, but I know there are many examples of this. Joseph (which I won’t elaborate on – you likely know his story) & a person called ‘Brother Yun’. It might not be your kind of read (being an atheist and all 🙂 ), but it was insightful & inspiring (and a few other things hard to explain) for me – maybe because of where I am in life. Getting in touch with how a privileged life most of us have etc. It is also available in audiobook form – which I find better sometimes… but it’s probably not something you’d enjoy (yet) 🙂
…oh yes, that book is called “The Heavenly Man”.
I might give it a chance… I believe every opinion has a certain truth in it, given the correct frame of reference.
But there is a difference between understanding and “feeling”. You might already have noticed I understand a lot and feel very little…
But for the book… I hope that one day I’ll read it 🙂
“understanding and feeling” – big difference indeed. I’m also very anti “feeling based stuff” – it was a stumbling block for me until about seven years ago – where it seemed that people just believe stuff to make them feel better about it & that questions are just not welcome. Questions are threatening to those that have no answers. In essence, a faith that isn’t reasonable just isn’t something I can believe in. Also another site I kinda follow… http://www.reasonablefaith.org – I listen to the podcasts there & I know quite a bit of that guy’s material. Quite good on average. He’s done some good debates also.
Great post!